Add To Your Communication Toolbox With These Three Strategies

How you communicate is a big part of the baggage you carry into you marriage. Both of us carried in different learned methods of communicating from our family of origin. It was the least obvious, and most difficult, aspect to address and adjust as a newlywed couple. But here is how we’ve managed so far:

Speaking a Foreign Language

For years we struggled to pinpoint why some discussions escalated as quickly and heatedly as they did. There we times that we felt the other was dismissive of our thoughts and opinions, and it became obvious that certain topics were more triggering than others.

Sometimes we would be on the same page and yet other times it felt like we were on completely different pages in completely different books! What we came to realize was that our individual methods of communicating were so different, that it was like we were speaking two completely different languages.

Communication Toolbox

While doing the work trying to hash out what the problem was, we both realized that we learned how to communicate our needs from our families of origin. And both our families communicated very differently.

Renzo’s family, for better or worse, always laid out the issue on the table. If there was something that needed to be addressed, big or small, it would be brought up at that moment, regardless of time or place. Renzo became adept at confronting an issue, with passion, and then moving on.

Monica’s family often took a more subtle approach. Most problems were brought up, but not always resolved. And if something was important enough to warrant discussion, it was usually done in the form of a lecture instead of a dialogue. Monica did not always bring up things that bothered her and they’d fester.

Our differing learned methods of communication led to situations where our approach to conflict created more conflict. When situations arose within our relationship, Renzo dealt with them head-on and with vigor. Renzo didn’t differentiate between big issues and little issues, everything was big and everything needed to be handled immediately. Monica only brought up concerns when they had built up and became a really big deal. Issues weren’t handled when they were small because it was easier to overlook them than to engage in a confrontation.

The result: Renzo was frustrated and constantly wondering if there were things brewing that weren’t being brought up, and Monica was anxious that a conflict would arise, even for the smallest situation. Hurt feelings ensued.

What worse is that we didn’t have the tools to fix the problem. You don’t know what you don’t know. And we didn’t know that there were other ways of communicating and resolving conflicts. We needed an outside perspective to give us tools to communicate more constructively.

Tool Number One: Scheduled Disagreements

One tool came as a result of one of Monica’s therapy sessions during her treatment for Postpartum depression.

The strategy that was suggested required us to present the topic that needed addressing and ask the other if now was a good time to talk about a particular subject. If the other (usually Monica) felt ready to talk, then yes, the discussion began. If the answer was no, they’d give a time for later that day to have the discussion. This allowed Renzo to feel validated in the need to work something out immediately. Even if the concern wasn’t addressed in the moment, it was acknowledged and there would be a resolution soon.

This also gave Monica the opportunity to gather her thoughts and have a more even-keeled tempo to share her side. She was no longer on edge because she knew that a concern was going to be brought up, she was going to have enough time to gather her thoughts, work through her feelings, and come up with talking points she wanted to address as well.

Unfortunately, we have yet to come to terms with whether or not Scotts Tots is the best or worst episode of the Office. Thank goodness for sacramental graces.

Tool Number Two: Appreciating Processing Differences

How we learned to communicate also impacted how we processed (or intake, sort through, and express) new information. Recognizing how you each process information is hugely beneficial in improving your communication with one another.

Renzo shares, pretty much, every thought that comes to him while we’re discussing the “big stuff” (and even the little stuff). He is an external processor. He’s worked on his filter…somewhat…but as he is working through a problem, a challenge, or even a train of thought, he verbalizes most of it. What Monica has had to learn was that not everything that he says aloud is a firm opinion. It is his way of inputting data, sorting it, and coming to a conclusion.

Monica, on the other hand, is an internal processor. She takes in information and sits quietly with it as she sifts through the data and her feelings. When she verbalizes something, it’s typically the conclusion she has come to in her head.

In communicating with each other, external processors can sometimes overwhelm an internal processor with information because of their rapid firing of thoughts. External processors can feel ignored, misunderstood, and confused by an internal processor because of their lack of feedback.

One thing we’ve tried to implement is to qualify our processing. Renzo may utter the disclaimer, “I’m just thinking out loud right now…” or Monica may share “I heard what you said, but I need some time to think about it…”. Some sort of indicator that you’re in the processing process (HA!) can help the other feel validated and gives them an insight into your progress.

Tool Number Three: “I’m Sorry” is Enough

As far as we’ve come in communicating with one another, we often still fail to love the other as we should. Whether quick tongued, tight lipped, or just plain wrong, we can hurt the other with our words. And so, modeled by Christ’s mercy for us, I’m sorry is enough.

Apologizing for our actions should be quick and should be sincere. In the Ortega house, we use the phrase “I’m sorry for ____” in order to demonstrate that authentic regret by identifying our misstep. And, in turn, “I forgive you” is the reply.

Forgiveness does not mean that your feelings are invalid or even healed. It’s a recognition of damage and an acceptance of the other’s imperfection. It means that you’re willing to work toward repair without holding a grudge.

Finding More Tools

We are not experts on communication. And we are not yet experts in how we communicate as a couple. Overtime, we’ve found what works and what doesn’t, and we’ve been able to continually add to our toolbox. You should never stop trying to grow and improve as a couple. There is always room to be more loving, more merciful, and more charitable in communicating with the person you love the most.

Keep adding to your toolbox, reach out to friends and other couples to see how they communicate. And when all else fails, trust in the grace of the Sacrament.

Become what you are- Renzo & Monica