Rumbling With Forgiveness: How To Forgive Seventy-Times-Seven Times
Peter approached Jesus and asked him,
“Lord, if my brother sins against me,
how often must I forgive?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy times seven.
-Matthew 18:21-22
This is the opening part of this Sunday’s Gospel.
The number 7 in the Bible is the number of completeness, wholeness. Like when God created the world in 7 days. So when Matthew poses Peter’s question using the number 7, he’s not asking Jesus about the exact number of free passes we’re going to give someone. He’s asking the equivalent of “Do we have to forgive every time or brother sins against us?”
Christ’s response, captured by Matthew, doubles down on the numerical symbolism - not just seven times, but seventy times seven!(some translations say seventy seven times, but from what I can tell the Greek supports seventy times seven)
This numerical symbolism points to the utter completeness of mercy that Christ is commanding us to give those that sin against us.
Acknowledging When Things Hurts
We all know what it’s like to be wronged by someone. We know the feelings of hurt and betrayal mixed in with confusion. It can be a little disorienting when someone does something that hurts us.
Most of us assume the best of others and their intentions. The holiest of us, tend to defend others to ourselves and give them the benefit of the doubt. But whether or not the opposing party knew the impact of their actions - it still hurts.
This also applies to situations where someone hurt us in the past. At times, the realization that we have been wronged may creep up over time. And these moments hurt too.
I’ve experienced moments in my life when I was presented with a truth of how things ought to have been only to realize that what I experienced in the past was wrong. In the moment I was unaware or unable to recognize the error of the situations. And now I stand years later realizing how far reaching someone’s “sin against me” was.
Regardless of the situation and the circumstances we can know one thing: Jesus wants us to learn to forgive and forgive well in all these situations.
So how can we forgive well? We first need to rumble.
Get Ready To Rumble
Author Brene Brown uses the word “Rumble” when referring to moments when we decide to have difficult conversation with others, or within ourselves, about something we are experiencing. We “Rumble” when do the hard work figuring out what is at the core of our hurt.
When we “Rumble” with forgiveness we:
Take a step back and consider what the narrative/story we’re telling ourselves about what happened.
Ask ourselves why someone’s actions hurt.
Acknowledge what happened and what we wish had happened.
We should leave the Rumble, with some awareness about ourselves, how we see a situation, and how we feel about what happened to us.
This is called a “Rumble” because this is uncomfortable. But it’s absolutely necessary in order to forgive well. We need to account for the sins against us.
We can’t forgive something we don’t fully acknowledge. Many of us would much rather just let the whole situation blow over because it’s much more comfortable to not speak or think about wrongdoings.
We tend to embrace this type of passivity and call it “forgiveness” because it’s much easier than admitting that someone actually hurt you.
If we don’t acknowledge the sins against us, we aren’t actually forgiving.
So start with the “Rumble” in order to relearn how to forgive, because as Pope Benedict tells us, “Forgiveness must be more than a matter of ignoring, of merely trying to forget.”
Forgiving Vs Forgetting
Unfortunately many of us have the same idea of forgiveness that we were taught as toddlers.
Even now, as I teach my young kids that they need to apologize for kicking, hitting, throwing, taking, not sharing, or any of the usual things kids do - my wife and I teach our kids that when they do something wrong they need to:
Say they’re sorry for (x, y, or z)…..and that’s it.
We teach them that’s enough, say you’re sorry. Like most parents, we teach what to do if you’re the offender.
But we don’t teach the offended. The most we teach in the realm of forgiveness to kids is the phrase “That’s ok” or “I forgive you.” But they don’t know what is being asked of them.
By not teaching how to forgive from a young age, kids actually learn to associate forgiveness with “letting things go.” And that is fine when they’re little kids. But, for most of us, that was the extent of our forgiveness training growing up.
In this hypothetical toddler scenario, the one that is hurt is expected to accept the apology and stuff any hurt feelings or sourness they might be harboring. Many of us grow up with this same mentality and may actually feel guilty for still feeling hurt or angry after we’ve “forgiven” someone.
But we didn’t actually forgive. We agreed to ignore what happened and to stuff whatever feelings might come up.
I believe Jesus is calling us to something more than that, forgetting and ignoring is not what Jesus wants us to do 70 x 7 times.
Grieving A Loss
Brene Brown isn’t Catholic, but I believe her work has tremendous application for the lives of Christians.
Her work has given me a language that has helped me share the truth of the Gospel with people in way that is easily accessible. I have found that I can speak on the reality of people’s experiences, using her work, as a foundation for later discussions that may include theological implications.
This holds to true forgiveness as well.
In her book “Rising Strong” Brown teaches that when trying to forgive we need to accept that something has to die. Brown explains:
“The death or ending that forgiveness necessitates comes in many shapes and forms. We may need to bury our expectations or dreams. We may need to relinquish the power that comes with “being right” or put to rest the idea that we can do what’s in our hearts and still retain the support or approval of others.”
In other words, when we move from the “Rumble” to true forgiveness of someone, we need to let part of the story we tell ourselves die.
If we want to forgive the friend that wronged us, the parent that was never there, or the co-worker who gossips about us - we need to “bury our expectations or dreams” surrounding that relationship. Or we need to put to death the part of us knows that we’re right and the desires to hold that over this persons head for life. The part of us that wants them to apologize 100 times over.
Whether it be failed expectations, or urge to scream “I told you so” - whatever it is - needs to die. And as we put that part of us to death we need to grieve it.
Grieve the fact that you don’t have the parent or friend who is truly there for all the hard moments. Acknowledge the pain, rumble with why, grieve the loss. This is a hard and necessary part of forgiving well.
Brown continues
“Given the dark fears we feel when we experience loss, nothing is more generous and loving than the willingness to embrace grief in order to forgive.” -Rising Strong
Once you’ve come to the end of the pain that comes from that grief, once you are able to put to death what you thought was or should be in order to embrace what is…Only then will you be able to embrace the cross of forgiveness.
The Cross
Pope Benedict XVI affirms the journey from the hurt, to the rumble, to the grieving and finally to the forgiving. He summarizes the process during a reflection he wrote on Matthew 18:21-22:
“Hence forgiveness must be more than a matter of ignoring, of merely trying to forget. The offense must be worked through, healed, and thus overcome. Forgiveness exacts a price: first of all from the person who forgives. He must overcome within himself the evil done to him; he must, as it were, cauterize it interiorly and in so doing renew himself. As a result, he also involves the other, the trespasser, in this process of transformation, of inner purification, and both parties, suffering in depth the evil and thus overcoming it, are made new. At this point, we encounter the mystery of Christ's Cross.” - Benedict XVI (Jesus of Nazareth)
The cross is the final step and at the center of our forgiving. Because the forgiveness Jesus gives to us is the same forgiveness He expects us to give to others.
Every time we run to the Sacrament of Reconciliation to experience forgiveness, Jesus gives us this new life. Through all suffering, with Jesus, there is always new life. Jesus wants this new life to take hold in the relationships in your life. He wants us to bring the mercy we’ve experienced from the cross to others!
We can’t bring this mercy and love to others if we don’t “Rumble” first. We need to change how we see forgiveness and embrace this new, much more difficult reality.
When we sin, Jesus does not simply ignore or wave away our sins with a magic wand. He sees them, He acknowledges them, He physically felt them on the cross, and then He forgives them.
May we learn rumble with forgiveness, and let the rumble lead us to love and forgiveness like Jesus tells us - seventy times seven times.
Verso L’alto - Renzo