What Is The Danger of Avoiding Divorce?

Both of us were products of marriages ended in divorce.

Monica’s parents separated when she was a toddler and Renzo’s when he was a young adult. Regardless of how well intentioned and mindful parents try to be during the painful separation process, divorce always leaves unique wounds. And it’s from those experiences, and the effects they had on us, that we had come up with our marital mission statement: don’t get divorced.

Without realizing it, we set the bar for success pretty low. By making our goal “don’t get divorced”, we unwittingly put ourselves in a “survive” mindset instead of a “thrive” mindset. We weren’t looking at ourselves, and our marriage, and considering how could we grow together.

Avoiding the Bad Vs Pursuing the Good

The problem with our avoiding-divorce mentality was that it focused on what not to do.

Have you ever told a told a toddler not to do something? They simply find something more dangerous, obnoxious, or messy. They don’t do it out of spite, but in learning what not to do, they don’t learn what to do. Focusing on avoiding the bad doesn’t always lead to pursuing the good. And so it was with our goal in marriage.

When we tried avoiding the bad, we were left in an odd limbo. For example, we knew that arguing and fighting wasn’t a marriage ideal, and that couples who argued and fought a lot could consider divorced. So we tried our best to never argue. We often avoided conflict and let things fester. And when one of us did something that rightfully merited a disagreement, sirens would go off. We were left feeling like we were failing.

In attempting to make sure we didn’t end up like our parents, we floundered trying to figure out what we actually wanted our marriage to be like. Instead of focusing on what we could do to grow, we became focused on all the things we were doing wrong.

In order to pursue the good of marriage we had to reframe our perspective.

Willing The Good

The first change we needed to make was acknowledge the baggage we’d carried into our marriage from our parents’ broken marriages. While, yes, divorce was a part of their story, and therefore ours as their children, it did not mean that divorce was destined to follow us into our story as a married couple.

When man and woman marry, they leave their families and cling to each other (Gen 2:24). In this, God promises to create a new family. And in it, He brings His grace, His plans, and His love.

God’s plan for marriage, like all of His plans, are not for a life of “don’t”, but rather, for a life of abundance (John 10:10).

When you get married, the full and abundant life you are looking for hinges on the expressed love between spouses. The new identity, the one flesh union that becomes present, is not meant to walk through life in fear of failure. Your union, your vocation, is the means for healing, redemption, and salvation that God will use for good.

In marriage, the good we are to pursue, is the good of the other!

The love, then, of which we are speaking is not that based on the passing lust of the moment nor does it consist in pleasing words only, but in the deep attachment of the heart which is expressed in action, since love is proved by deeds. This outward expression of love in the home demands not only mutual help but must go further; must have as its primary purpose that man and wife help each other day by day in forming and perfecting themselves in the interior life, so that through their partnership in life they may advance ever more and more in virtue, and above all that they may grow in true love toward God and their neighbor (Pope Pius XI - Casti Connubii, 23)

Instead of avoiding divorce, we needed to change our perspective and pursue Heaven for our beloved. That became our first step towards healing from our past and becoming who we are: family.

Pursuing Heaven In The Daily

Our mission, when becoming family, is Heaven. We gain Heaven for each other through the daily lives we actively live. This happens moment to moment, one day at a time. Our mission as a family is primarily to get the other to Heaven.

When we shift our eyes from the fear of divorce, we realize that there is so much good that God wants to bring out of us through our marriage.

Pope Pius XI taught that the work we do together is the purpose of marriage, “This mutual molding of husband and wife, this determined effort to perfect each other, can in a very real sense, as the Roman Catechism teaches, be said to be the chief reason and purpose of matrimony” (Casti Connubii, 24).

But it’s worth repeating: we perfect each other through our daily tasks. Our daily interactions, chores, responsibilities, disagreements, intimacy, and any other work we do together is how God chooses to work in our perfection. It is tempting to believe that the divine physician is at work healing us only through big moments, but He is just as present and working in the mundane.

When we reframed our view of marriage we were able to see that the little moments made a big difference. Every moment becomes an opportunity for Heaven when we see our marriage from the Divine perspective.

Keeping The End in Mind

The goal isn’t avoiding divorce. We’ve heard plenty of stories where couples lamented growing old with their spouse who functions more like a roommate than a soulmate.

Getting to the finish-line still married isn’t the goal. Getting your spouse to Heaven is, through our life well lived as family.

When we began to focus more on Heaven than avoiding divorce, we injected new life into our marriage. Love becomes more vibrant when grace is leading.

When we turned our eyes to Heaven, we were given permission to struggle because this life wasn’t the end.

We began working on serving the other out of love and respect, rather than out of duty or fear. We worked on communicating in a way that allowed the other to be heard. We set boundaries that promoted focusing on our family instead of comparing to others’. We started praying for and with each other daily.

God’s desire of an abundant life includes our life with our family, not despite it. The pursuit of Heaven is to be traveled together out of love, rather than fear.

Become what you are - Renzo & Monica

*Disclaimer: we recognize that there are situations where separation of a couple is necessary for the physical and emotional safety of one or more family members. We both sympathize and empathize with people living that reality. This post is not meant to target families in such suffering. It is to attempt to bring hope and healing.