Hot take: middle school “understanding” of boys and men needs to be demolished. How are we still accepting that just because puberty makes a male’s testosterone rise, they are given the ok to think about sex continually throughout the day?!

Recently, a popular Catholic podcast discussed this topic…and all but affirmed this idea. We had some things to say about that.

So, let’s get to talking about the more nuanced dynamic of differences in libido for men and women.

Fact of Fable?

A particular point of contention we’d like to address is the widespread assumption that male sexual desire operates at a frequency starkly higher than that of females—a belief backed by an Ohio State survey study done in 2019. While it is true that certain biological factors, such as testosterone, do play a role in shaping sexual drives, to attribute behaviors solely to hormonal impulses is to ignore the human emotion, free will, and past experience. Not only should we be considering the physiological when testing the theory, but also the psychological and relational dimensions of sexuality.

One significant issue explored is the hyper-sexualization prevalent within college culture and its potential distortion of male sexuality. Thanks to the age of the subjects, social media, and hook-up culture, we challenge that the results of the study are skewed due to societal influences rather than innate biological predispositions.

Is there one unquestionable reason why men are thinking about sex more than women? We think, not. So let’s stop using “because I’m a guy” as an excuse for a much more deeply rooted difference in our thoughts on sex.

Love People; Use Things

One factor (that is probably next to impossible to actually quantitatively or even qualitatively study) is the effect pornography use and early exposure have on brain development and responsiveness to stimuli.

Back when Matt Fradd was covering the topic more frequently, a quip he often used to check the motives of sexual desire was “love people, use things”. Porn and masturbation teach us that sex is for our gratification, that it comes with little to no strings attached, and is easy and carefree. The more our brain begins to believe these lies, the grayer the line between love and lust becomes.

A comment made by a friend of the host of the podcast shared about an argument he and his wife had upon his return from an extended work-related trip. He came home professing his daily desire from sex and she retorted with her complete lack of interest in the matter.

Here in lies a clue for deeper introspection. Why did he think about sex so often? Was it because he missed his wife and desired intimacy and connection with her? (it didn’t sound like it from the retelling of the story) Or was he searching for a release from the stress of his trip?

It’s easy to use sex as a means of self-soothing within a marriage. It feels good and it brings people together. What could go wrong with that?! Well..it can create an imbalance in the relationship and reduce intimacy to a mere stress relief tool. It uses one partner for the sole benefit of the other.

Through intimate relationships, men have the opportunity to practice selflessness and develop a deeper understanding of giving. Chastity is a virtue to be practiced, but ultimately only sees perfection when rightly ordered and relying on God’s grace.

Let’s Talk About Sex

While it might seem simple: men love sex; the effect that those desires for sex and how they are communicated within a relationship are far from it.

Navigating the complexities of male sexuality intertwined with desires for emotional intimacy can be confusing. Most men lack the vocabulary and self-awareness to notice that their desire for sex is more deeply a desire for intimacy. Or maybe they do realize that, but they don’t express it in such a way. Truthfully, the difference in libido is much more nuanced than the oversimplified by societal myths and primitive scientific studies.

Broadly stated: men desire sex to feel intimacy; women want to feel intimate in order to desire sex.

How that looks in each relationship is unique, but always deserves thoughtful, kind, and continuing conversation.

If you’d like to hear our conversation on the matter, take a listen here.