We hit a big milestone recently: our oldest turned ten. We have now parented for a full decade. (gut punch)

After getting past the shock of how quickly those ten years past, and after taking a nostalgic walk down memory lane of some of the sweet memories we’ve made with him. We started to think about the parenting decisions we made: the ones we quickly regretted, the ones we made accidentally, and the ones that have stuck around to be repeated x5.

As we did so, we figured they might be worth sharing.

Disclaimer

We are not parenting experts. Our kids are still young-ish, so we don’t have longevity on our side. These strategies have worked thus far, but we may still get a therapy bill later in life. But overall, if anyone were to ask us for some “advice”, these are some of the ideas we would share.

1 Set Clear Expectations

We are conscientious about telling our kids how we expect them to behave and what the result will be if they otherwise. We aim to explain these things in a developmentally appropriate way, often giving them a “why” for the expectation, and attempt to have the consequence for veering off the path fit the scenario. But also, yes, dessert and TV time are also used as carrots - it’s good to have goals to work towards.

For example, at different ages, we expect appropriate behavior at Mass. (Babies aside) Under 4 are expected to whisper, stay in the pew, and avoid jumping and climbing. 4 to 5-year-olds should mimic the body posture of the congregation (sit, stand, kneel), eyes will wander, questions will be whispered, and bathroom trips will inevitably be taken. 5 to 6-year-olds begin practicing the responses, prayers, and songs, working on better attention, and less potty breaks. 7 and up should be working on eyes forward, full participation. Bigs modeling for the littles has helped to speed up the process a bit.

2 Be Consistent

If you set expectations and consequences, then you have to follow through. And follow through quickly. Even if it interrupts what you’re doing. Actually, you’re probably already interrupted, so just do the parenting thing to the end.

Example: we are big on manners and avoiding interruptions! Our kids are expected to say “excuse me” and wait for a reply before telling their tale. If you have ever had the pleasure of time with number four, you know that he is a chatterbox…with a polite little chipmunk “‘scuse me”. If they come in hollering, they’re reminded of the expectation, and we continue on until its met. Then we also (sometimes exaggerate) the wait time before we turn and reply.

We’ve also started working on getting the older ones to “read the room” before even saying “excuse me”. Check to see what’s going on, discern if its serious, and compare your tale to that. If it can wait, come back later. If its an emergency, proceed.

3 Speak Kindly

Kindness and safety are our two non-negotiables when it comes to things we expect from our kids.

Growing up as the oldest siblings, we were not always the…kindest. As a result, our sibling relationships suffered. There’s no excuse for being unkind to people you love. So we are hyper-aware of tone, word choice, and bossiness.

We’re also acutely aware of the tendency for bigger families to put a lot of responsibility on the eldest kids. We want to preserve their childhood and not put them in the position as pseudo-parent. A common phrase we use is “you are not the mommy or the daddy” when one of the siblings attempts to control a situation or correct behavior. Unless they’re being unsafe, let us handle the disciplining.

Being kind allows for more friendly interactions between family members, and everyone receives the respect and love that they deserve.

4 Snuggle Kids to Sleep

We don’t co-sleep, but we do lay with the kids in their beds until they fall asleep. If nightmares or illness wake them up in the middle of the night, we go and snuggle them back to sleep.

This time together has allowed for sweet bonding and attachment with the littles and for meaningful conversations with the bigs. They’re comforted by our presence, and this short daily one on one time is irreplaceable.

Obviously, there are only two of us, so the youngest get us first and then if any older kiddos are still awake, we will lay with them.

Secure attachment has led to confidence and independence while also maintaining an assurance that they are safe and that mom and dad care for them deeply.

5 You Can Push a Bully

If after using your words to ask for someone to respect your boundaries, stop bothering you, or avoiding injury, then our kids know they have our permission to physically create space.

We’ve rehearsed how to confidently tell someone to change their unwelcomed behavior. Shoulders up, chest straight, eye contact, and clear directions. “Stop ____.” If, after this attempt, the behavior continues or escalates, they can push a bully and go find a grown up.

They also have our blessing to do the same if a child is picking on another sibling or friend that is younger or unable to fend for themselves. They can do the same routine and move the offender away from the target.

Then, always, alert an adult and do not play with that child again right away. Social consequences teach powerful lessons.

6 Lots of Protein in their Diet

Ok this one doesn’t necessarily seem to fit with the rest, but a good diet leads to healthy and happy kids. Our kids are active. And we both had disordered relationships with foods growing up, so we are trying to set them up for positive eating habits in the future.

7 Always Buy New Halloween Costumes

Monica’s wounds might show a little with this, but it was something we agreed to do during our engagement (ha!) and have continued and still think it’s a good idea.

Growing up, most Halloween costumes were putting together clothes and props from our closet and then layered with turtlenecks and puffy jackets. I was determined to help my kids feel like they fit in. This also applies to sports attire, hairstyles, and lunch snacks. We make it work in the budget.

8 We Don’t Do Santa

This, again, stemmed from a poor experience in childhood, but as we implemented it, we saw its fruits.

To narrowly summarize our reasons - We think that using Santa as a behavior modification tool is a bit manipulative, it felt dishonest to tell them someone else gifted them toys, and we wanted to make sure the emphasis on the day was to celebrate Jesus’s birth.

Our kids still experience the “magic” of Christmas. They carefully pick out gifts for one another and joyfully anticipate Christmas morning with gifts under the tree. They just know that all of those gifts come from family and friends, not Santa. They love movies with Santa in them, they model St. Nicholas’s generosity.

We’ve practiced with the kids how to reply to people asking about Santa so that they don’t give it away. So far, so good.

We shared more about this process here.

9 Tell Them to Just Go Play

We are not the source of our kids’ entertainment. And being bored is OK; it’s a prerequisite for independence and creativity. The games they come up with on their own will outrival your best attempts. They’ll collaborate, make complete messes, and have a blast. Sometimes there’s squabbling, but there’s also opportunity for uninterfered repair. They don’t need much - sticks and mud make for great toys.

“Go outside or in the basement,” we often holler, thanks to great mentor parents that we know.

10 Squash Obsessions Quick

Everything has its place, but when you start to love something, it can become overwhelming. Snacks, a new TV show, or a fun game can become fixations. It may seem innocent when they’re young, but when kids are unable to say no to something they want, it can lead to some bad habits in the future. Overindulgence, addiction, and passivity are all too common, and we really think that those tendencies start young. So, we moderate how they’re playing, what they’re watching, and how much of one thing they’re eating.

Overarching Themes in Each Category

Role Playing - we practice and act out scenarios to help our kids visualize what could happen. It helps relieve anxiety and stress as well as builds confidence.

“The Ortegas ____” - other families are welcome to do things differently, and it is up to the mommies and daddies to decide how they want their kids to behave.

Overall, our goal is to raise children who are respectful, socially aware, confident, kind, and healthy. We hope that they know that they are deeply loved, that they matter, and so do others. We want to preserve their childhood while also nurturing maturity and independence.

At social gatherings, our commitment to polite interruptions meant that adult conversations were occasionally paused to ensure these small acts of courtesy were not overlooked. This steadfast dedication to manners laid the foundation for our children to navigate the world with respect and grace. Sibling dynamics presented a different challenge altogether. We enforced non-negotiable rules, such as speaking kindly to each other, and limited the 'bossing' to safety concerns. Bedtime, with its evolving rituals from snuggles to independent sleep, offered daily moments to reinforce these family values of kindness and consideration. Empowering our children with social skills was another significant endeavor. Through role-playing, we equipped them with the tools to assert boundaries and address bullying. This proactive approach fostered confidence and resilience, allowing our children to stand their ground and seek help when necessary. Our family culture, from nutrition-focused meals to the imaginative re-use of Halloween costumes and our approach to Santa, highlighted our commitment to a lifestyle that prioritizes joy, health, inclusivity, faith, and critical thinking. In fostering independence, we promoted outdoor play and self-directed activities, stepping back to allow our children the space to explore and create. We recognized the value of boredom as a gateway to imagination, deliberately avoiding the role of constant entertainers. This strategy encouraged our children to develop their problem-solving skills and creativity.

To hear our chat about these parenting strategies check our our podcast or our YouTube video.