3 Communication Strategies We Wish We Learned At Marriage Prep
Assume Goodwill
When you marry the love of your life, your favorite person, your partner, your best friend…two become one. But that does not mean that disagreements will never arise. Having differences of opinions or points of view is normal. Heck, it’s actually really good to be challenged every once in a while!
But in those times of tension, it can be difficult to feel united. Feelings may get hurt and we might be misunderstood. It’s crucial to remember that you two are on the same team.
Always assume goodwill and will the good of the other in return. You both want “this” (marriage, parenthood, job, situation) to be successful. You want to win in life together.
If you start by recognizing that, you can realize that the difference comes not in mission, but in strategy. So, assume the good of the other in all things; from there, let all graces and kindness flow.
Be Your Own Best Advocate
While we all wish that our spouse could read our minds, God has not yet gifted them that superpower.
And so, even though our loved one knows us better than anyone else in the world, we still need to speak up when we have something to say. How often do we challenge children to “use your words”, yet, stubbornly expect our partner to know how we feel and what we mean without actually expressing ourselves?!
We’ve been amazed to observe that simply sharing how we feel has diffused so many tense moments…Because the tension arose merely out of misunderstanding and misinterpretation!
It’s time to practice advocating for ourselves. Share your wants, needs, desires, and dreams with one another. Dare to be vulnerable. Dare to be clear.
Go Gently
How to avoid adding injury to tension: be gentle.
This is the third strategy that partners with assuming the good of the other and advocating for yourself in your relationship. While advocating for yourself, be sure to be kind in the delivery. You don’t have to change what you’re saying, but be careful to choose wisely how you say it.
The same goes for responding. Assume the good of the other while they are advocating for themselves, and respond with charity.
Take the extra moment to soften your tone, check your body language, and pick your words wisely. “Listen to what I’m saying, not how I’m saying it,” is not a line used in good relational communication.
Being gentle is not a sign of weakness nor suggests that you’re changing your mind on the matter; rather, it reminds the other of their dignity and shows that you value dialogue.
Try active listening by repeating back what you heard before offering your rebuttal. Genuinely ask for clarity if you’ve missed the mark. Or sandwich your criticism between kindness…offer appreciation - insert your point of view - reiterate your compliment. Both offer seeds of gentleness as you work through a tough issue.
Lean into Grace
If you use the best communication strategies…your relationship will still be tested. All of the tools in the world will not perfect our marriage.
Because we are humans and we fall short. Often. And life is still going to kick us in the pants. When we least expect it.
When plans go awry, when pain surfaces, or when we just plain irritate each other…that’s when marriage is tested. And we’re challenged to lean into the Grace freely given in the sacrament.
So what does it look like to lean into Grace?
Personal prayer and an intimate relationship with Jesus.
Joining our prayers together through mass, daily praying as a couple, and frequenting confession.
A willingness and practice of self-sacrifice in all things, big and small, for the good of the other.
Disciplined practice of virtue and seeking forgiveness when you fall short.
Leaning into Grace cannot be passive! You have to will it, to do it, and do it especially when you don’t feel like it. Otherwise, when trouble happens, we will not be prepared.
Receiving Grace comes in the searching, the surrender, and the “yes” we give to God and therefore our spouse.
“Sanctifying grace is the gratuitous gift of his life that God makes to us; it is infused by the Holy Spirit into the soul to heal it of sin and to sanctify it.” CCC 2023
It is the Grace of the sacrament in those moments that is sanctifying. It’s actually part of God’s plan for our path to Heaven for us as a married couple.
Friends…Lean into Grace, lean into your marriage, lean into your spouse.
Become what you are - Monica and Renzo