A Husband and Father's Guide to the NICU

We were prepared to go to the NICU when the doctors told us Baby B was going to be arriving on the earlier side, but once Monica hit 37 weeks, we hoped that we could avoid it. You can read more about the roller-coaster of a pregnancy here.

But once we realized that this wasn’t going to be our normal postpartum stay in the hospital, I suddenly needed to be a whole different kind of support for my bride, and an advocate for my child.

These are the four things that any husband or father that finds himself in this situation can do:

1) Let Go of What You Can’t Control

The first thing we grasp for when we feel like we’re in a crisis is some sort of control. I was immediately searching for what I could control. Since I couldn’t control the big things, I started searching for little things I could control.

Did Monica have enough blankets? Was the room too bright or too dim? Were all of her supplies well stocked? Did she have enough food? Did she want me to play another Office episode on Peacock?

In this situation, I needed to give Baby B’s health to God and let Him and the doctors work out what came next. I had to embrace the uncertainty and choose to trust. And in my trust I turned my attention to ways I could serve my family.

I couldn’t control the outcome of the future, but I could choose to serve in the present.

It may have been a little exhausting for Monica, but it gave me a focus. I said my prayers, and made sure Monica had enough pillows.

2) Grieve With Your Bride

When things go wrong, I typically jump to try to fix it. I assess the situation, see what the problem is, and decide what I can do to make it better. That is not the way you support your bride while your child is in the NICU.

No matter the amount of hope that comes from the doctors prognosis, or the positive signs mentioned by nurses, it’s important to allow your bride the space to grieve the situation. It’s even better if you can grieve with her.

At one point, the doctors told us Baby B was improving and it looked like he was getting ready to start breathing on his own soon. That didn’t make it any easier for Monica to process the fact she still hadn’t held her newborn, that she couldn’t nurse him, or comfort his cries. She still was sadden by the sight of her new baby with tubes up his nose and down his throat. And that is ok.

It was painful to watch Monica be unsure of what to do when Baby B wailed. Typically, she’s a mom who trusts her instincts and showers her children will love. But in the NICU, she was unsure if she could even touch her child. She didn’t want to cause more harm, or do the wrong thing. Could she fix his nasal cannula of oxygen when it fell out? Could she change his diaper? Or did she have to wait?

Instead of meeting her grief and uncertainty with reminders of hope or platitudes like, “Everything is going to be OK,” I grieved with her. I let her cry during all the sad times, and I stayed close and silent. Sometimes we think we’re helping by giving encouraging words but, often, we’re actually making our brides feel like they are wrong for feeling a particular way.

So fight the urge to “fix” the sadness and choose to grieve with your bride. Sit in the darkness together, and resist the urge to turn on a light.

3) Pray

The intersection between our well-being, illnesses, and our God’s providence is a topic for another article. But in the midst of suffering, you need to pray. Lead your spouse in prayer, lead your child in prayer, and bring them both to prayer on your own. Grace is real and God is working out all things for our good. It is easy to get caught up on the human aspects of dealing and managing through hard times, but it is by grace alone that we can carry on and give our families what they need.

Intercessory prayer is also actually effective. The prayers of our family and friends helped to ease our spiritual burden. Knowing Baby B’s godparents were already praying for him was a huge relief. And the prayers of our community sustained us.

4) Bring a Pen and Paper

It’s incredibly hard to get all of your thoughts and questions together as new information is coming your way. Add in the amount of emotions you and your spouse are trying to sift through, and you run the risk of smiling and nodding without actually learning anything.

When doctors and nurses come in and give you updates, have something handy to write down everything they say. Then write questions down that you want to have answered during the next update.

Don’t feel embarrassed if you need to ask for something to be repeated or clarified. You’re sleep deprived, worried, and probably also not a medical professional. They’re there to care for your family, let them do it well.

Sacramental Grace is Real

When God made His plan for you to be a husband and a father, He knew you’d be the guy for the job. But He also promised to be with you during it all, the times of celebration and the times of trial. He gifted you with His grace through your wife and your covenant to her in the sacrament of marriage.

Fathering your children through the battle of the NICU while supporting your wife through her own recovery and fight is a tall order; you’re capable if you’re willing to humble yourself enough to not go at alone.

Verso L’Alto - Renzo