A Husband's Guide To Postpartum Depression

Monica has suffered through two bouts of postpartum depression. The first time was after JP was born. She wrote about the experience here. It’s fascinating reading through her first experience with something we didn’t believe was real.

Regardless of what we called it at the time, this struggle gave Monica the courage to seek out therapy and we were blessed to find a great Catholic therapist.

Fast forward a few years and we found ourselves right back in the same spot after T was born, she shares more of that experience here. Unlike JP, T was an easy baby. T wasn’t colicky, he slept fairly well, and was (and still is) super easy going. Yet, Monica was still struggling. This time around however, we knew what we were facing. We knew it’s names and we knew that Monica had to go back to therapy.

However, no one could prepare me for what I was going to experience as the husband of a wife who was suffering. I wrote this post in hopes of offering resource to other husbands. I remember spending hours searching the internet for guidance and found no solidarity. For those of you who have experienced trying to support their wives through PPD or are in the midst of it now, you have my prayers.

Four Things To Know When Your Wife Has PPD

1) You Can’t Fix It

This was the ultimate “Don’t try to fix it, just listen” situation. Unlike regular problems, mental illness comes in a wide array of forms and can be triggered by so many different things. There was no singular thing that led to the development of PPD. Yes, there is a huge change in hormones and neurotransmitters, but humans are more complex.

This wasn’t something I could fix with a joke or a grand gesture. This wasn’t something I could avoid triggering, because anything could trigger the downward spiral. This wasn’t something I could ignore, because my bride was obviously suffering. She wasn’t thinking, speaking, or acting like she usually would.

Once you can accept the fact that this isn’t something you can fix, the sooner you can move to loving and helping. But if your focus is on getting things back to normal, you are actually loving a memory of a person, not the person.

You can’t fix it. So don’t try to fix it. Instead find ways to that you can lighten her load and give her room to breathe and heal.

That doesn’t mean asking her what she needs. That means you need to anticipate what she needs more than you’ve ever anticipated before. You need to learn her triggers, learn her stressors, learn the annoying things you do that make things worse, and begin implementing things that will help her even if it makes your life incredibly difficult.

2) Forget About Sex

This should go without saying, but unfortunately I know there’s a disconnect. If your wife is emotionally ailing the last thing she’s going to want to do is be intimate in this way. And that’s got to be ok with you. There should be no pressure of intimacy from you. Sex may even become a trigger. She might feel guilty for not being intimate, she may feel angry for you wanting to be intimate, she may feel completely numb and not care and she might be intimate just to get you to leave her alone.

Regardless, this season is one where you need to put her before yourself, and that means dying to yourself in that arena.

Instead focus on the non-sexual intimacy you have developed. Show her you love her in the ways she feels most loved. If you have been practicing NFP you can use what you learned during your times of abstaining to show your wife you love her in non-sexual ways.

3) Give Yourself Time To Grieve

Depression in all forms hurts those around it. PPD is particularly difficult because it hits during a time when everything and everyone should be happiest. But instead of celebrating the growth and the milestones of this new little life, you find yourself playing different roles, trying to keep peace, and begging God for things to be better. No one wants to live the first year of a baby’s life that way.

Give yourself time to grieve that loss. As men we tend to hold things in and pack them down until later. But if we don’t find a later and just leave emotions there to fester - we will succumb to them. Give yourself time to grieve.

Grieve the loss of the person you married. It is scary to say, but until I accepted this reality, I found myself stuck wishing Monica would go back to “normal.” It wasn’t until I accepted that this may be the new normal for a while that I was able to start making progress in how I loved her. She was no longer an imposter of the real woman I fell in love with. She was who she is, and I vowed to love her through this.

Give yourself time to grieve that loss as well.

4) Don’t Take Things Personally

This is much easier said than done. But there will be things she says and does that are contrary to her character that will hurt you. But it’s not about you right now.

I remember there were times when Monica would wake up in the middle of the night and tell me, “I just want to run away right now. I’m fighting the desire to just get up and leave.”

I remember hearing that and being absolutely crushed. I thought to myself “wow, she doesn’t love me anymore, she doesn’t care about the kids, what happened to our marriage”. But as time passed, I made it less about me and more about her.

She wasn’t trying to hurt me, she was cluing me into her struggle, and as I laid my personal sentiments aside I got to see a side of courage I hadn’t witnessed before.

She didn’t give into those desires that PPD brought on. She verbalized them to me, and she fought them. I learned to not interrupt when she shared. I listened, nodded, and prayed.

And the next day, I thanked her for sharing, I told her I was proud and I loved her. Because of this, she didn’t have to feel ashamed for the thoughts and feelings that come up from PPD. In that her burdened was lightened ever-so-slightly. She knew she wasn’t alone.

Healing can happen together

Through much prayer, discussion on coping strategies learned in therapy, open conversation, intimacy, and time, we have both experienced healing and growth within our marriage. Days started to return to normal. And looking back, those episodes of struggle have ultimately made each of us stronger more compassionate individuals as well as a more united, faithful couple. Together, you can endure this battle.

If you have found this helpful or if you know of someone who may, please share with them so that they do not feel alone.

And if you feel a nudge to seek counseling for you, your spouse, or both of you, please visit: https://www.catholictherapists.com/

Verso L’Alto. - Renzo