How Can I Become a Useless Father Like St. Joseph
Even though I wrote a book about St. Joseph - in the year of St. Joseph - I didn’t read Pope Francis’s apostolic letter on St. Joseph, “Patris Corde”, until I was done writing my book. I didn’t want to inadvertently take anything from Pope Francis’s letter and add it to my own content.
Reading through the Pope’s letter, I’m glad I waited. I was struck by how powerful the piece was. It confirmed to me that we could never have too many works reflecting on the life and mission of St. Joseph. There are always new perspectives and new languages we can use to present the life of this Saint to the modern world.
Fatherhood Reintroduced
Through St Joseph we are all reintroduced to what it means to be a man and a father.
The way that masculinity has been pitched to men, by the world, relies heavily on our elevating careers, financial prowess, and social status. If we’ve learn to measure our masculinity by our personal achievements, faithful fatherhood is the antithesis.
Our measure of manhood should not be based on what we achieve for ourselves. Faithful fatherhood requires us to invest all of our energy not in ourselves, but into our children.
When we become fathers, we are no longer the hero of the story. We move from Frodo to Gandalf, from Harry to Dumbledore, we move from Luke to Yoda. A father is no longer the main character or the protagonist…and that’s where the real adventure begins.
Fatherhood is an Adventure
I was listening to a discussion between Jordan Peterson and Bishop Barron the other day, and the Holy Spirit hit me between the eyes. Interestingly, the Holy Spirit didn’t strike through the words of the Bishop, but through the words of the self-proclaimed agnostic, Peterson.
There was a moment, about an hour and ten minutes into their exchange, when Petersen said something to Bishop Barron that cut to my heart and lit a fire in my soul. Petersen exclaimed that:
“The Church demands everything of you, absolutely everything. And the reason that people are leaving is because that adventure isn’t being put before them. It’s like, look you can have your cars and your money and all of that, but that’s nothing compared to the adventure you could be going on!”
That! That’s the message that needs to be preached! A life in Christ is absolutely a grand adventure. And for a majority of men, that adventure is meant to be lived out through our vocation of father!
Instead of wasting our weekends adventure seeking, we should first live in the adventure within our very own home.
Ask yourself: Does your fatherhood reflect a lived adventure or tolerated experience?
Filling the Void
Our world, and our families, need fathers. Specifically, we need fathers to embrace the adventure of fatherhood. And before I explain what the adventure entails, I want to identify who the fathers are. Who are the people who will be the Gandalfs, Dumbledores, and Yodas?
Pope Francis tells us:
"Fathers are not born, but made. A man does not become a father simply by bringing a child into the world, but by taking up the responsibility to care for that child. Whenever a man accepts responsibility for the life of another, in some way he becomes a father to that person." (Patris Corde)
All of us that lead others participate, in a sense, in the paternal fatherhood of God through our service. Those of us that have others entrusted to us, and we have taken on the responsibility to care for them, are participating in a type of fatherhood.
My adventure of fatherhood did not start with my first child; it started when I served as a coach, youth minister, swim instructor, and karate teacher years before my son was born.
As men, we are called to be fathers to everyone who is entrusted to us. And therefore, are all called to join in this grand adventure.
Adventure Guide
What is the adventure of fatherhood?
The word adventure comes from the Old French aventurer which means “to wander, travel; seek adventure; happen by chance." The meaning developed over the centuries to include "risk; danger" and "perilous undertaking."
What makes an adventure? An adventure is the feeling of risk, danger, and anticipation of the unknown, and the willful exploration to see where that path takes goes. This is fatherhood. There has never been a time where fatherhood has been more risky, dangerous, and unknown.
As a father, you take all of your past: all of your junk, your wounds, your broken pieces of your personality, and do your absolute best to love, show, and guide those entrusted to your care. You don’t know what lies ahead for this young person, but it’s up to you to prepare them, and all you’ve got is your incomplete tool box and God’s grace.
This is an adventure because you have no clue what will be asked of you, nor what will be asked of your children. You don’t know what the culture will be like, what challenges they will face, and what enemies they will encounter. It’s up to you to prepare them anyway. Your job is to guide them and to make sure their toolbox is a little more complete than your own when your time is up.
Fatherhood Revealed
If our lived experience of fatherhood does not match the adventure experience I laid out, we will do one of two things:
We will either go seek out the thrill elsewhere.
Resign ourselves to tolerating our fatherhood until it’s over.
But Christ offers us a third option. Christ does not offer us an adventure and hand us a map to explore. Christ offers us an adventure and hands us a new vision, so we can see things as they truly are.
Christ reveals the extraordinary in the ordinary.
With Christ, Mass is not a boring Sunday chore, but Heaven on Earth. Suffering isn’t pointless, it’s a participation in the cross.
Therefore, our regular, daily experiences are not things we do to pass the time nor are they meant to be avoided for entertainment’s sake; they are our active participation in our healing, redemption, and salvation. Jesus gives us new eyes to see.
Our fatherhood, and all its facets, should come into clearer focus when seen through the eyes of Christ.
The spiritual dimension of our physical actions become more and more obvious the closer we come to Jesus. And the more we engage within our fatherhood the more, the adventure is revealed to us. God wants to use us, and our fatherhood, to aid others in their own healing, redemption, and salvation. By investing in the lives of others, and by actively bringing the paternal love of God to those in our care, we bring them one step closer to accepting their sonship and inheritance won for them by Jesus.
It is your fatherhood that becomes the catalyst that reveals the Father to the world, by revealing it to one individual at a time.
Your job is extraordinary even if it looks ordinary.
Your job is to prepare your children for the Father despite everything the enemy throws their way. That’s the adventure. That is the mission of Gandalf, Dumbledore, and Yoda. A mission perfected by St. Joseph. Extraordinary fatherhood.
A Sign To The World
"In every exercise of our fatherhood, we should always keep in mind that it has nothing to do with possession, but is rather a “sign” pointing to a greater fatherhood. In a way, we are all like Joseph: a shadow of the heavenly Father, who “makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust” (Mt 5:45). And a shadow that follows his Son." (Patris Corde)
Good fathers are a sign to the world of the love of God the Father. In living a life “Patris Corde”, we become the sign of God the Father the world needs.
How many people have rejected the promises of the Father, because they don’t trust that He is good? Their own lived experiences of a father have left them suspicious of fathers and their promises.
As fathers, we are no longer the heroes of the story.
By embracing the role of guide, we put ourselves in a position to be a constant reminder to our children of the abiding goodness of God the Father. God will become more and more present to our children through us. They will see God the Father’s abiding love through your actions and your presence.
Becoming Useless
“A father who realizes that he is most a father and educator at the point when he becomes “useless”, when he sees that his child has become independent and can walk the paths of life unaccompanied.” (Patris Corde)
I have always said that I want to be an asterisk in the lives of future saints. Rather than get recognition for the behind the scenes work it took to journey with young people, I would rather live my life knowing that they knew that God is a good Father they could trust, because they could trust me.
I don't want recognition, I want there to be fruit borne in the future.
I want this for all my work as coach and youth minister, and I want it for my life as a dad to the five beautiful children that God has entrusted to me.
My fatherhood should be measured by how useless I am when my children become adults. When my children can embrace being the heroes of the story and can go fight the battle God has prepared them for.
We should want to leave our children, and everyone we’ve mentored, with a realization that their dependence should be on God alone. That their identity, worth, and value does not depend on their achievements. And that they have all the tools necessary for God to work through them.
If we leave them with that, we have loved them well. We should strive to leave our children with the confidence to move forward without us, because we prepared them to do so.
Start Now
So engaged in the adventure at home. Find the little one who is seeking a guide on their journey, and be that guide. Seek out the adventure in your home and live it. Invest all that you have into those entrusted to your care until there is nothing left.
This type of adventurous fatherhood can transform the world. Don’t wait to become the father your child needs. Start now.
Patris Corde - Renzo
If you want to encounter the heart that loved Christ with a father’s heart purchase my book on June 14th: Go To Joseph: 10 Day Preparation for Consecration to St. Joseph