Let’s talk about vulnerability and marriage.

Being vulnerable has gotten a bad reputation. It’s often perceived as “too much”; over-sharing, over-emotional, over-the-top. Brené Brown has worked hard to dispel many of the myths surrounding vulnerability, and we’d like to use some of her work to highlight the importance of true vulnerability and authentic marital intimacy.

Courage To Be Vulnerable

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brenè remarks about vulnerability and all that comes with it, she says: “I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” and “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Vulnerability means strength because it means we are able to bear the weight of uncertainty, pain, and discord for the greater benefit of the other and our relationship. Intimacy requires vulnerability. “It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.”

Dare To Be Loved

In order for our marriage to be truly intimate, we need to courageously be vulnerable with our spouse. This brave exposure of our inmost feelings and desires is what opens ourselves up to familiarity and love.

When we make our vows on our wedding day, and every day after that, we promise to give of ourselves ENTIRELY to our beloved. We two have now become one. Withholding a part of ourselves fractures that commitment. But freely baring our whole selves, allowing ourselves to be fully seen by another, can feel raw and intimidating.

That is why vulnerability is courageous. Make it a prayer: “Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.” God sees us. All of us. And He loves us.

Our marriage is meant to be a reflection of that perfect intimate love on this side of Heaven. It reveals the truth of our belovedness.

Dare to be vulnerable.

The Marble Jar

Remember in school the one teacher that filled a jar, put up stickers, or measured with a paper thermometer to show the classes’ progress towards a special prize? Positive behavior resulted in adding marbles, poor behavior took them out.

Relationships are like slow-filling marble jars. Our love jar fills moment to moment, day by day. Brenè Brown writes “Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture - it’s a growing marble collection.” Authentic relationships require a solid foundation to be laid, strong supports, and quality craftsmanship. None of which can be rushed or overlooked.

Our marriages require and deserve the hard work. The daily grind. The small, seemingly insignificant moments of engagement. That’s all-in.

“An emotionally wealthy relationship is not cultivated during a two-week vacation. Instead, it’s built on a daily routine of positive habits and interactions. For many couples, just realizing that they shouldn’t take their everyday interactions for granted makes an enormous difference in their relationship.” -The Gottman Institute

Greeting your spouse at the door when they arrive home.
Cups of coffee brought to their bedside.
Volunteering for the dirty diaper.
Noticing the trash filling up or the favorite snack running low.
Responding in kindness to agitation.
Remembering the stressful meeting.
Holding hands while watching TV.

Social media is filled with the grandeur of adventure. But what it fails to highlight is the grandest gesture of all: repeatedly saying “yes” to your vows in the monotony of daily life - adding sweetness and love to the everyday ordinary. Therein lies the extraordinary of the sacrament.

You can rely on the one who always shows up for the big stuff when they’ve been there, engaged and committed, to the small stuff. A safe space for vulnerability is created one marble at a time.

What has filled your marble jar in your relationship?

Engaging with the Truth

The opposite of vulnerability is not betrayal, it’s disengagement. Being vulnerable is intimidating. Especially if we’ve been wounded in the past. Poor experiences teach us to become guarded, to build walls, to hold back.

Men have been conditioned to believe that being emotionally open is a weakness. Women have been told they’re “too much”. We all worry that our weight is a burden unsustainable for a relationship. Or we’ve been hurt before and expect to be disappointed again.

Nothing could be farther from the truth! Vulnerability within a safe relationship built through moments of trust, authenticity, and love is brave. Vulnerability is intimacy. Vulnerability in marriage allows us to be fully ourselves, fully present, with our beloved.

And it’s necessary for a successful marriage. So what happens when vulnerability is missing? Disengagement.

“Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears - the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unloveable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain - there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.” - Brenè Brown

Disengagement is slow, silent, and sneaky. It discreetly creeps its way into a relationship in the form of avoiding conversations, staying late at work, hiding in our phones, holding things back. Disengagement is passive. Vulnerability is active. Brown goes further and writes that, “The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time.”

Take heart! You can take the steps necessary to repair any cracks of disengagement. Have the courage to show up and the faith to believe that your spouse can step up. Identify the areas of disengagement. Say them out loud. Then work slowly, but surely, to rebuild, maintain, and thrive.

Kiss each other for no reason.
Pray.
Seek counseling.
Return to the sacraments.
Go on a date.
Dance in the kitchen.
Be intimate.
Argue, forgive, and make up.
Fill the marble jar (previous post).

You can do it. You are worth it. Your marriage is worth it.

Fiat - Monica