Family Planning - Size Matters
Now that Team Ortega will have a full starting 5 roster…“Are you guys done now?”, “You know how that works, don’t you?”, “Do you guys own a TV?”, and “Was that on purpose?” are frequent questions we get asked in addition to the sentiments of “You make cute kids” and “We’re fans of #teamortega”.
Family size is a sensitive and often misunderstood topic for couples, particularly regarding the teachings of the Catholic Church. Misconceptions of Church teaching based on poor catechesis, extremist views, and even pop culture references can distort the true mission of marriage, family life. This is particularly true when it comes to the number and spacing of children.
How many babies, when to have babies, how to raise those babies, and reasons for not having babies are all conversations to be had over and over and over again as a couple. This should be something that’s discussed prior to and during marriage. Before we begin having that conversation, however, we’d like to shine some light on what the Church actually teaches.
Body and Soul
Just over 50 years ago, Pope St. Paul VI shared his encyclical titled Humanae Vitae in direct response to questions and confusion regarding God’s design and hope for family size. In it he addressed the purpose of married love and the transmission of life.
When a couple marries, they vow to each other before God to offer themselves to one another, totally, freely, faithfully, and fruitfully. In Catholic theology we call this covenantal language. In our faith, marriage is understood to be a covenant rather than a contract. In a contract there is agreement for the exchange of goods (We agree that I get this and you get this). But in a covenant there is an exchange of persons (I give all of me without reservation). There is so much that can be said about how the covenant of marriage should be lived out, but for the purposes of staying on topic, we are going to focus on the fruitful part of the marriage covenant.
Sex is where the marriage vows are consummated. The consummate comes from the latin to complete or to make perfect. The vows that we promise to our spouse on the altar is made complete and perfected in sex. Sex is not just a physical act, it is also a emotional, psychological, and spiritual one as well. In its very nature, sex is the bodily communication and affirmation of our vows. It is the outward sign of an inward reality.
To share oneself fruitfully with the other means to offer his or her fertility to the union, because in sex, two spiritually AND physically become one. Man and woman were physically and biologically created to be complementary to one another. Similarly, as humans, we were given two uniquely complementary gifts from God: our faith and our reason. Within marriage, we are challenged to use both gifts in our family planning.
This is the case beyond the wedding night. When spouses live out their vows by giving themselves entirely to the other both in day-to-day life, and also within sex. Often, there is the temptation to separate, to deconstruct, the act of sex. This can come for a multitude of reasons, particularly because of our past experiences. Regardless of our past, we should aim to seek healing of our understanding of sex, rather than reduce it to a physical act alone. Sex, by divine design, is meant to unite our bodies and our souls. And in that unity God has made us co-creators with Him, with the ability to bring about new generations from a single act.
Contraception
This does not mean that you are meant to have 10+ babies. It is ok, and natural to desire sex with your spouse, while at the same time feeling as though you are not ready to bring new life into the world. The Church understands that sentiment and acknowledges the complexity behind the decision of conceiving a child.
Pope St. Paul VI readily acknowledges the depth of this topic; he actively agrees that simplifying family life to a singular element strips it of its complexity and dignity by stating:
“The question of human procreation, like every other question which touches human life, involves more than the limited aspects specific to such disciplines as biology, psychology, demography or sociology. It is the whole man and the whole mission to which he is called that must be considered: both its natural, earthly aspects and its supernatural, eternal aspects.”
That is why Catholic Church advocates for a holistic approach when guiding couples in their discernment of family planning that covers the entirety of the human experience. This is why the Church cannot support the use of contraception (condoms and birth control) as methods to prevent conception.
The Catholic Church argues that the use of artificial barriers during sex is having the body communicate hypocritically; my body is saying one thing, but my contraception speaks the opposite. The convenatal language we are speaking through our bodies aren’t telling the whole truth. We are saying, “I am giving you all of me, except my fertility.” Through contraception, we are muting a part of ourselves during the sexual conversation. Sex is ordered to simultaneously unite a couple in love while also ordering themselves towards potential new life.
As we stated earlier, this does not mean you must have as many children as possible. It does mean that you are open to having as many children as God desires to gift you. That might sound scary, but the truth is the Church has given us a way to plan our families in a way that works together with God. God has already given us the tools to use to do this. The very biology of the body through its physicality, hormone reaction, and cyclical nature of the woman demonstrate this fact.
Fertility Awareness In Family Planning
So how do we both plan our family reasonably and responsibly while also celebrating the intimacy of husband and wife? By his nature, a man is always fertile (health concerns aside), while a woman goes through distinguishable cycles of fertility and infertility.
The Church, in Her wisdom, goes on to share that couples may use their awareness of their shared fertility and discern family planning. That means that the couple takes what they know through fertility awareness, this discussion with one another and with God. This time of discussion, prayer, and discernment should lead couples to act accordingly the next time they have the opportunity to have sex; either through engagement or abstinence of the sexual act during those times of a woman’s cycle.
“If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile, thus controlling birth.”
Take note that incorporating fertility awareness into family planning is decidedly different from using contraception. When you use contraception, you may have those discernment discussions, but they aren’t necessary. Without needing to discern, God also becomes irrelevant, and sex slowly becomes reduced to the physical act alone. But with fertility awareness methods, communication is non-negotiable. You will find yourself knowing your spouses hope, dreams, and desires for the future more intimately. You will also learn to see fertility as a gift from God to your marriage rather than a burden and barrier to your pleasure.
Now if this is all new to you you may be skeptical of the effectiveness of this practice (as were we!), we highly encourage you to do the research on the statistics and find an instructor to learn a method of charting. We will provide resources at the end of this book, but we encourage you to keep reading until the end first.
Just Reason and Responsible Parenthood
Now what does this mean for your future family? The discernment of family size and the timing of children is a serious matter for couples to consider, discuss, pray about, and act accordingly. There is a tremendous weight of responsibility that comes with bringing new life into the world. Given the practical and spiritual implications of that responsibility, Pope Paul VII gave us terms, in Humanae Vitae, to guide our discernment: “Just reason” and “Responsible parenthood.”
As we mentioned earlier, when using fertility awareness methods, couples are expected to discuss, pray, and decide whether to delay or postpone (sometimes indefinitely) the addition of children to their family for just cause. The physical or mental health of a parent or family member, current economic circumstances, or age gap may be some of the numerous justifiable reasons that adding another person to a family should not occur at the given time.
“With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.”
On the other hand, when a couple decides to bring about new life, they should rely on their faith in God’s grace to support their “yes” to children. There is a large misconception that couples will know when the time is right, or that they will be ready to have children. In our experience, we never felt ready. We decided to conceive children, and wanted children, but we didn’t feel ready. We didn’t have the careers, house, or income we wanted. Things weren’t perfect, but God doesn’t need perfect to bring about miracles.
Saying “yes” to God is always a leap of faith. The sacramental grace bestowed on marriage cannot be quantified; it is a gift freely given by God to bless a couple in their commitment to new life with each other and their children. If you feel like you may lack, God can supply.
Raising and Educating
This then leads to the next requirement of the couple: the responsible raising and educating of the children that they do or will have. Pope Paul adamantly affirms the dignity and significance of the parental role, relating it to that of our Heavenly Father. He acknowledges its complexity in that “Married love, therefore, requires of husband and wife the full awareness of their obligations in the matter of responsible parenthood, […] in the light of its varied legitimate and interrelated aspects.”
Circling back to our need to fuse our gifts of faith and reason, “the exercise of responsible parenthood requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties toward God, themselves, their families and human society.” Prayer and practical preparation are both necessities for parenthood.
In consideration of multitude of elements surrounding that which is parenting, the Church readily accepts the complexity of the role while also maintaining the high regard God has for the gift of children and the responsibility of mother and father.
Virtue and Mutual Gift
Now we know that this is a lot of information and it can seem daunting to have to balance everything we mentioned here and somehow make it all work. In a later chapter we will discuss the added benefits that fertility awareness brings to marital intimacy, but at the moment you might be thinking: “How can constantly considering our current state in life and calculating cycles help our family thrive?”
The answer is simple, but not easy: Through authentic love: the practice of virtue and mutual self-sacrificing gifts to one another. St. Pope Paul VI was sure not to leave this out:
“It helps in solving difficulties of other kinds. It fosters in husband and wife thoughtfulness and loving consideration for one another. It helps them to repel inordinate self-love, which is the opposite of charity. It arouses in them a consciousness of their responsibilities. And finally, it confers upon parents a deeper and more effective influence in the education of their children. As their children grow up, they develop a right sense of values and achieve a serene and harmonious use of their mental and physical powers.”
Frequent communication between spouses about their individual and shared needs, joint imagination of the future, and the mutual self-sacrifice of one’s primal desires for the greater good of the family are all crucial building blocks for virtue and unity of a family. Such expressions of love along with the renewal of the marital vows, enhance a couples “oneness”, therefore benefitting however many children may come.
All of This and Team Ortega
Before we were even married, we dreamed of having many children. As we journeyed closer to marriage, we learned the Creighton Model of fertility awareness and natural family planning. Through that we discovered some health issues that challenged conception and sustainable pregnancies. Between children, we have experienced job changes, mental health concerns, extended family crises, and a whole host of other large and small circumstances that have demanded our vulnerable communication with one another. Being honest and open with each other about how we have felt during these times of change and uncertainty as well as the practical responses required to address them, our marriage has been strengthened. It has been through both our openness to children as well as our practice of self-control and self-gift during times inappropriate for the addition of children that brought us closer together as a couple.
Through our practice of the Church’s encouragement and wisdom for family life, we are blessed to have the family that we have, fully acknowledging that how our family looks and functions is not and should not be how others’ do. Our family plan is as unique as we are as individuals. What a gift to bring your best self and your best family to the world, and what a waste it would be to get lost comparing or wishing it was someone else’s! Become what you are - family.
Pax. - Renzo and Monica
Resources:
Humanae Vitae (English Translation): http://www.vatican.va/content/paul-vi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae.html
USCCB Commentary of Humanae Vitae: https://www.usccb.org/topics/natural-family-planning/humanae-vitae#tab--what-the-church-teaches-about-gods-vision-of-married-love-and-the-gift-of-life