Lately, G’s most common phrase has been “I caaan’t!”

Pick up some toys. “I caaan’t!”

Put on your shoes. “I caaan’t!”

Brush your teeth. “I caaan’t!”

Say goodnight to your brothers. “I caaan’t!”

Eat three more bites. “I caaan’t!”

Fixed-Mindset

I think while some of this comes from legitimate three-year-old limitations and some from laziness, most of it roots itself in a feeling of inferiority and fixed-mindset. Something that plagues many of us, myself included.

One way we as parents have attempted to combat the nasty pessimistic self-talk of “you’re not good enough” is to practice developing a growth-mindset in our children.

Some would argue that our expectations of our kids can be a little high, maybe developmentally too advanced. But our perspective has always been to set the bar slightly out of reach and then help them work towards reaching it with some tools, a healthy dose of encouragement, and a reliance on grit. Because at some point, they can achieve the seemingly impossible. Eventually it is developmentally appropriate. And our goal is that when it is, they relish in their accomplishment of hard work paying off instead of handing it to them at the “right time”.

Fixed-mindset results in feelings of inadequacy at the first sign of set back or error. If we can’t do it the first time, then we will never be able to do it. No strategizing a new plan. No checking out different angles. No practice, no trying again. No asking for help. “Why bother, it won’t work. I’m just not good at ‘it’.”

Growth-Mindset

A growth-mindset transforms the phrase “I caaan’t!” into “I can’t, yet. I will try.” Or “I can’t, yet. Can you help me?”

Helplessness is not an option in the Ortega house. But making an effort, using our words to ask for help, and also responding to a need with helpfulness is.

(We defines “helpfulness” as not doing something for someone else, but doing it with someone.)

A small victory came the other day while loading the crew into the van after an appointment. The routine has been the bigs pile in first, G next, while mommy buckles T. K’s job is often to buckle G, if she’ll quit wiggling long enough to let him.

Well, instead, I asked G to try to get her buckles fastened herself. “Ok. I’ll try.”

Yes!

Now, I know her fine motor skills aren’t up to the task just yet. And she’s not quite coordinated enough to get the straps from behind her to around her shoulders and torso. But the point is for her to start working on a skill that she will soon master with time, effort, and encouragement. For her to respond positively...earned her some major praise from the whole carload.

(It was also special to see her big brothers voluntarily applaud such a simple attempt. You could tell the positivity of encouraging a growth-mindset had rubbed off on them.)

After finishing up with T, together we worked on buckling. Lo and behold, she successfully snapped the chest strap. You would have thought she just passed her drivers test. Victory!

(And the success was sweetly followed by a “thank you for helping me, mommy,” because manners matter!)

Reframing

It’s easy to focus on what we can’t do, and feel like we’re stuck. What we’re trying to do is to reframe our kids struggles. This means changing that “I can’t” to “I can’t...yet.”

A fixed-mindset can eventually become debilitating. If G focused solely on all of the things I did for her to buckle and ignored her effort and small success, then she’d, like many of us, would begin to count herself out of a lot of things before even attempting to try them. And many of you would agree that is a sad state for a three-year-old (or even a 23 year-old).

I’m sure none of you would encourage me, as a mom, to stifle any aspirations my children have; you’d all support me in encouraging them to try their best and loving them through failure. But do you support and encourage and love on yourself in the same manner? Have you practiced reframing your difficulties and struggles?

As Brenè Brown would advise, “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

Reframing is a practice of taking a particular setback and making the effort to see it through a different lens or perspective. Learning and teaching how to reframe our struggles can become the soil where a growth-mindset can flourish.

If you can teach your child to view life’s struggles through the lens of opportunity with new skills and experiences, rather than the lens of inevitable failure, you are giving them an indispensable gift.

The fruit that comes when you reframe struggles and develop a growth-mindset is called grit.

Grit is a unique character trait in that it must accompany setback and even failure in order to be unleashed; it is the response to challenge. Grit recognizes that something is difficult, but that it can be accomplished. It may take hard work, it may require the vulnerability of asking for help, and it may not be done right the first time, but it will get done. Grit says, this is hard, but not insurmountable. Grit requires mess. It’s perseverance, determination, and hard work through struggle. Grit takes repetitive practice. Grit results in growth.

And in the faithful, grit can be seen in every saint and sinner who humbly goes to God for His mercy and forgiveness after messing up, and then trying to do better next time.

Fostering Grit

Here are some ways that the Ortega Family fosters grit in ourselves and in our children:

1. Strategize - Whenever we face an obstacle or setback, we discuss how we did it the first time and come up with a plan to try again differently next time. We model this by thinking aloud as we work through our own problems. Or with our kids, we discuss back and forth things we could improve on, such as focus, having our hands free to be able to use both hands, slow down, etc.

2. Verbalize Feelings - Often frustration or disappointment are our biggest obstacles when facing a tough job. We acknowledge that our feelings are valid, but are not a reason to give up. We actively recognize when something is hard, affirm that it is bothersome to not doing something right the first time, and practice positive self talk in preparation for the next try. And we celebrate the feeling of accomplishment after a hard earned success.

3. Reframe Perceived Failures - Whether it’s with words of encouragement or a bear hug, we have each others’ backs when someone is trying their best. Being there to fall on when failure happens demonstrates that they’re not alone in their quest. Saying “I’m proud of you” is an easy way to remind them that their failure does not define their worth. Emphasize the good that was done, the new knowledge learned, and how there is always a chance to try again.

Sharing with your children that falling down is part of the process for getting back up, dusting off, and trying harder next time is such a crucial part of instilling a growth mindset. Our children are capable, yet feelings of inadequacy easily spiral. Practicing grit will surely change their inner voice from negative to positive.

So the next time you hear that nasty whisper sneakily discouraging you from making a go at it (whatever “it” may be) pretend that the voice is addressing my three-year-old chickaletta and respond with a reassuring nudge to give it your best try. Maybe you’ll only buckle the top…but that’s a start.

Fiat. - Monica