Honoring Your Family of Origin By Setting Healthy Boundaries

Becoming “Team Ortega” was a journey.

Every couple who gets married (or hopes to one day) has the challenge of carving out a new identity as “family”. As much as we may imagine that we can simply continue on the path we’re already on before marriage…the reality is that when vows are promised, we are changed. Our lives become oriented permanently to the other. The priorities of life are no longer dictated by the needs and desires of our parents, grandparents, best friends, or co-workers. We are responsible, now, for our spouses and children. Two have become family.

But creating that identity is a complicated, messy, and often misunderstood task. In this series of blog posts, we’d like to share some topics to consider when preparing to become family or to spend time being honest about with your spouse now.

We’d like to call this side of marriage prep, the “human formation”. Priests have to prepare for over 8 years for their vocation, and any good priest would tell you that their "formation" didn't end with their ordination. The same is true for married couples!  But most of us didn't spend 8 years preparing for our vows, so that means we need to continue to do the hard work of preparing for marriage, every single day, even after we’re already married.

This is how we, became the Ortegas.

Family of Origin

“You don’t just marry the person, you marry their family.”

This may be one of the most irking phrases we encounter in our experiences in Marriage Preparation. Renzo visibly twitches whenever he hears this phrase quoted like it’s in the bible. While we kind of - sort of - get the sentiment, it is so so wrong.

Yes…when you marry someone, their family becomes your family. Their parents become your parents, and you have more people in your life to support you. Both of our moms are excellent super-fans by always liking and sharing our posts.

Your siblings become their siblings, and there are now more people to experience life with. Endless sporting events and Disney sing-a-longs are favorites of ours.

But as close as they are to you and your spouse, they are not your spouse. You made no covenantal vows to them. You love them, you pray for them, but there is a certain separation that forms when you get married. And it is good. And it is right. And it is holy.

Joined To His Wife

When it comes to your family, the family created by the new bond and covenant made in the presence of God, the decision-making power of the trajectory of your family belongs solely to the two who said those vows.

Sometimes the sentiment of “you marry the family” can level the extended family as equal members of the newly established committee of family life: Everyone sits at the table, everyone gets a vote, everyone gets veto power, and no one’s ever happy.

That’s why we don’t like the phrase; it misses the fullness that Christ declared, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Mt 19:5).

You don’t marry your spouse’s family.

However, their influence has most certainly molded the person you are marrying. The baggage (heavy or light) that they carry from their origin most definitely will find its way into your relationship. On top of that, there are going to be people who are used to having a seat at the table of your life who are going to try their darnedest to find a way of keeping it.

The challenge as you begin to create your own family is to be intentional about what parts of your family of origin you want to bring along with you and what are the parts that deserve some pruning in order to allow you, your spouse, and your new family to become what God wants it to be.

As engaged, and married couples start to navigate the world of boundary setting and identity we highly recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries are a lovingly clear way to distinguish your marriage and family from your extended family. Boundaries are healthy; and while it can be uncomfortable as everyone begins to learn to navigate them, it is most beneficial in the long run.

Two Keep Becoming Family

Ultimately, the journey of two becoming a family is your path to Heaven. It is meant to sanctify you. Therefore, there inevitably will be times of difficulty and struggle.

As couples, we should not seek to avoid struggle, but embrace hard times when they come and allow ourselves to be perfected through it. There are many ways to embrace your family of origin because each of our stories is completely unique.

The key is to do the hard work, and do it together with Christ at the center as the source of love and strength.

Become what your are. - Renzo & Monica