We aren’t the only ones.

We’ve gotten such a tremendous amount of responses to our last two posts. This is a struggle that a lot of couples are going through. Most of our responses were related to the statement:  “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

Trust the Process

First comes the paradigm shift: I learned that most men inadvertently struggle with “passivity”.

This isn’t from a lack of wanting to be a good husband and father, but because of the type of investment marriage and family require of us. Unlike work, hobbies, or video games, family life does not always offer the positive feedback that most men seek. 

Short-term rewards keep us motivated, engaged, and feeling accomplished. Marriage and family life are a long-term investment. Putting effort into intimacy, helping to make a home, and raising children require a tremendous amount of work and you may not see dividends until years down the line. 

As a husband and father, my call is to pour myself out for the sake of my bride and my children. That can mean that I am pouring myself into my work in order to support my family. But that shouldn’t mean that my work gets more of me than my family does. 

If I am pouring myself out at work and am not physically, spiritually, and emotionally present at home, then I am not living the fullness of my vocation. We might think that it’d require too much for them to be so present inside the home. But that's the call of this vocation; that is the call of the cross.

Nudged by the Holy Spirit to read St. JP the Great, I encountered a tangible example of this type of husband and father: I was introduced to St. Joseph. It’s St. Joseph’s example of action that showed me how to shift from passivity to complete investment into my family.

St. Joseph has become a model for us in action. While St. Joseph is never quoted in Scripture; his response to God’s call to marriage and family life is accounted for. He shows up for his bride and He shows up for Christ.

On the Flipside

if you find yourself with a spouse that is utterly struggling with passivity. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind if you are currently going through this similar struggle in your marriage:

1. Your spouse loves you. It is incredibly difficult to extend mercy and forgiveness in these moments of conflict. Especially when your needs and cries for help are falling on deaf ears. Remember that your spouse does love you and wants to love you better.  There is a reason to keep at it, keep bringing things up, keep fighting for a better marriage.

2. Grace alone will make the change. We cannot effect change on our own. A self-help, motivational talk, or weekend away, will not make up for the hard work that needs to go into your marriage, and no amount of new tools will take the place of the grace that needs to move freely to soften both of your hearts.

3. Change is possible. One of the main reasons we’ve shared this part of our marriage is because we know how social media can make our family life look. We weren’t perfect back then, and we still aren’t perfect now. We are being perfected by God through the Sacrament He’s called us to. This is the story of a moment of being perfected. Trust that change is possible because God is at work.

Even when we don’t see it or feel it, God is at work.

“Grace does not destroy nature, but perfects it.” - St. Thomas Aquinas

Fighting For Our Marriage

Grace requires our cooperation for change to take hold, and sometimes that means we need to fight for what God wants. Fighting for our marriage took grit.

The inclination towards passivity was very real for Renzo and it was damaging our relationship. But overcoming that struggle required engagement on my part as well. I had to fight for our marriage.

The temptation to settle was alluring. Wouldn’t things be more peaceful if I quit nagging so much, set more realistic expectations, and counted my blessings that I had a good man for a husband? The lies I heard built up shame in my heart. “Maybe I am asking for too much.”

I had to persevere despite the friction, the arguing, the hurt feelings, and the desire to just give up. I knew, deep down, this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I knew our family was made for more. God created marriage to be our path to Heaven. He made it to be very good.

I knew Renzo was capable of fully embracing the responsibilities that marriage and family life entailed because I saw how he rose to meet challenges outside of our relationship. He was involved, proactive, patient, and empathetic - we needed that version of him at home.

And I knew that I had married a very good man; I knew that he loved me. He just didn’t know HOW to do that well. So I kept persisting. I kept praying. I cried a lot. And I kept trusting that God’s plan would prevail.

By His grace, I saw my husband’s mindset shift. Renzo started to step up and show up in the small but significant ways we’d needed him to do. Healing began to happen in our marriage with the help of two amazing saints: St. John Paul the Great and St. Joseph.

Healing is possible. Trust the process.

Become what you are - Renzo and Monica