This article was originally published in December 2017, and was edited and updated on November 2020.

Being home has been different than I thought it was going to be. I was expecting a day long wrestling match, but those were quickly ended by a stinky diaper. Despite my insistence, K says I’m supposed to take care of that.

Just like that our wrestling match was over.

In the last four months I’ve learned a tremendous amount about myself, the kids, and how much work my wife really did in her time at home.

In this post I’m going to try to focus on the big thing I’ve learned about me and hopefully have follow up posts about my kids, and maybe more about how awesome my wife is.

Maybe. Don’t pressure me.

Passivity

I first learned that I struggle with passivity. The tell-tale sign that you too, struggle with passivity is when you don’t spring into action when something needs to be done, because you know someone else is going to take care of it, and that’s totally cool in your book.

Many husbands struggle from this without knowing it. Many husbands live in a constant state of familial passivity and don’t think there’s any struggle to be had. We are comfortable with our wife doing the housework, the chores, the discipline, the teaching, and soothe the inner stirring screaming at our lack of action by telling ourselves that if she really need help she would ask for it.

We then call our wife a “nag” when she speaks up, and drop the ultimate comeback during disagreements:

“Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

If you say that during arguments, that’s a problem. And it needs to addressed.

Facing The Issue

For the last four years of my marriage I was that husband. Whenever Monica and I had an argument about incomplete household chores I would always utter that phrase in some form. It was my way of putting any responsibility on her.

Sure, maybe I was lacking. But if I was lacking, it was her job to point it out right? I was masterfully putting the onus back on her. Not only was she responsible for the chores, she was suddenly responsible for telling me what chores needed to be done. Before my time at home, alone with the kids, I never saw how damaging my attitude was to the health of our marriage!

Thankfully, my mental-safe-place came crumbling down when I took the stay-at-home-dad role. All of a sudden I needed to take care of everything, and I realized I had no clue what everything was. I mean I knew what big things needed to get done, but I didn’t understand the amount of attention to detail Monica put into keeping the house running. I found myself missing steps I didn’t know existed. Monica knew the kids needs way better than I did.

For the entire first month I relied on honey-do lists, disruptive texts to Monica while she was working, and the crew of stay-at-home moms to help me navigate my new normal. What struck me, and bothered me, was that even after I thought I had done everything that needed to get done, Monica would come home after a full day’s work and would begin finishing the chores that needed to get done for the day. She had every right to come home, rest, and spend time with the children she was not seeing. But instead she quickly switched hats and tackled the evenings tasks because, “It needs to get done.”

Now Monica was never angry or bitter when she’d throw in a load of laundry that I forgot or when she had to wash the dishes because I was busy on my phone. But she should have been. The kids missed their mom now that she was working everyday, and I hated that I kept forgetting or not seeing what needed to be done. My lack of proactiveness led to Monica needing to do more work while at home. I needed to change something but I didn’t know what. I still stuck to my favorite phrase - tell me what you need me to do.

I wasn’t being lazy because I was exhausted at the end of the day from the kids being themselves. I also didn’t think I was being aloof because I saw that there was a problem, I just blind at what it was. The during one of my nap time, podcast/media breaks I came across a talk on passivity that rocked my world. After you’re done reading this and laughing at that pathetic fool that is me, I encourage everyone, especially men, to give it a listen: Passivity and Relationships

Learning To Embrace Responsibility

After listening to the talk I realized that I had gotten into a ton of bad habits and need to start breaking them, and relearning new ones.

Here are three habits I’m trying to embrace to be the husband and father I need to be:

1. Get off all devices

There’s nothing more passive then having the kids make up their own game while I’m getting lost on Wikipedia, and calling it “free time.” I am trying to intentionally invest more time in my kids, but K especially. He’s starting to notice when I go zombie on my phone, and I need him to know he’s more important to me than that.

The same goes for my time with Monica. I have to consciously log off and be with her. I have to fight the temptation to hide in my introversion because I had a long day. My wife and kids deserve a husband and father that’s present to them, even if it takes a little extra effort on my end. They matter more than my phone.

2. Take the initiative

I still don’t know everything that needs to be done around the house. But I’m no longer waiting to be told to do something. That means I’m doing my best to stop walking over laundry, start unrolling my socks before they go in the wash, and start clearing the table and doing dishes after dinner.

It’s not Monica’s job to tell me where I need to improve. She can aide me in that, but it isn’t her responsibility. I need to take a step back and be honest about my short comings and areas within my vocation that I need to improve. This is hardest when we have trained ourselves to rationalize all criticism in order to soothe our egos. Being a husband and father isn’t about making me feel good. It’s about service and sacrifice. It is in the emptying of ourselves that we will live up the the dignity of this vocation. I can’t empty if I am constantly giving myself reasons why I am fine the way I am.

Don’t wait to be told anymore.

3. Be more romantic

I love my wife more than any other human on the planet. I know her love language yet I still find that there are times I put more effort into my fantasy football team than our relationship (and I don’t put a lot into fantasy football). Yes, I tell her a love her everyday; I know she deserves more.

A couple of weeks after I listened to the passivity talk, it was our five year anniversary. I decided to do something different. I didn’t do anything big, but I did do something out of the ordinary to demonstrate that there was no question that I actually thought about her and didn’t just make reservations because I’m supposed to do that. Plus we’re on a budget.

Three Years Later, One More Thing

I wrote this piece three years ago. Fast forward and I’m back to work, but the what I learned from my time as a stay-at-home-parent are still helping form me as a husband and father.

1. when you get home, get to work

If your spouse is a stay-at-home-parent, they work harder than you. Period. I don’t care what you do, and this is absolutely a hill I am willing to die on while screaming “Freedom” while shirtless, covered with blue body paint (too far?).

But yes gentlemen, your wife works harder than you. I was a stay-at-home-parent and there is no harder job. There are no sick days, there are not 30 minutes breaks, and there is not “me” time. Kids insist on eating their cereal next to you while you’re on the toilet, the refuse to let you shower, and are constantly on the verge of losing fingers or eyes if you leave them alone long enough.

So when you get home, put on the dad hat, pick up your cross and go.

The “you” time, “self-care" and any other thing you say you need in order to unwind needs to go away. Your spouse and kids need you first. Come home and be home. Those things that you want to do for you - they can be done late at night after everyone’s in bed, or early in the morning when everyone’s still in bed.

Empty yourself and embrace all that being a husband and father require.

Verso L’alto - Renzo

We recently recorded a podcast episode going into more detail about my time as a stay-at-home dad. Take a list here: Podcast Episode