How to Talk About Sex With Your Spouse Without Making It Weird
Talking about sex with your spouse can feel more vulnerable than actually having sex.
A husband and wife can share a bed, build a life, raise children, go to Mass, and still feel completely awkward trying to say, “Can we talk about our sex life?”
For Catholic couples, the awkwardness can be even heavier.
Maybe you waited for marriage and thought everything would naturally make sense. Maybe you have shame from the past. Maybe NFP has made sex feel complicated. Maybe one of you wants intimacy more often than the other. Maybe rejection has built up. Maybe pressure has built up. Maybe both of you are silently hoping the other person will start the conversation.
But silence does not protect intimacy.
It slowly starves it.
That is why we wrote Lovemaking: How to Talk about Sex with Your Spouse. Not because we think every couple needs a perfect script. Because a lot of couples need a way to start.
So how do you begin?
First, do not start the conversation in the middle of hurt.
Do not start when one spouse has just initiated and the other has said no. Do not start when you are angry, embarrassed, defensive, or trying to win. That conversation usually becomes a trial.
Start outside the bedroom.
Go for a walk. Sit in the car. Make coffee. Pick a time when there is no immediate expectation of sex. The goal is not to solve your whole sex life in one sitting. The goal is to prove this subject is safe enough to talk about again.
Second, say what the conversation is for.
Try:
“I want us to be able to talk about sex in a way that brings us closer.”
Or:
“I am nervous to bring this up, but I do not want awkwardness to keep growing between us.”
Third, ask better questions.
Instead of: “Why don’t you ever want me?” Try: “When do you feel most emotionally close to me?”
Instead of: “Why do you always reject me?” Try: “What makes it hard for you to be open to sex right now?”
Instead of: “How often are we supposed to have sex?” Try: “What rhythm of intimacy would help us both feel loved and free?”
Instead of: “Why are you so frustrated during NFP?” Try: “What has abstinence been bringing up in you?”
Fourth, listen without building your legal case.
Most of us listen just long enough to find the flaw in our spouse’s argument. That will not work here.
When spouses talk about sex, they often speak clumsily. They may not have the right words for desire, shame, pressure, loneliness, disappointment, or fear. Give each other room to be imperfect.
Fifth, end with one next step.
Maybe the next step is another conversation. Maybe it is reading a chapter of Lovemaking together. Maybe it is apologizing. Maybe it is talking to a priest, counselor, doctor, or NFP instructor. Maybe it is simply saying, “Thank you for trusting me with that.”
The point is not to become experts overnight.
The point is to become spouses who can speak honestly and love each other more tenderly.
Sex is intimate.
But talking about sex is intimate too.
And for many couples, that conversation is where healing begins.
If this feels like the conversation you need, start with Lovemaking, then listen to How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?, Husbands Don’t Need Sex… But Does Your Marriage?, and What Can You Do If You Can’t Have Sex?.
If you want to think more deeply about chastity, listen to Why All The Sex Rules? and Rehabilitating Chastity.
If your question is about male desire, read Why Do Men Want to Have Sex All the Time?.
Do not wait until resentment does the talking for you.
Start outside the bedroom. Start gently. Start today.
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Start the conversation with Lovemaking, then subscribe to Two Become Family.