What Catholic Marriage Prep Didn’t Prepare Us For

Written By Monica and Renzo

Marriage prep matters.

But a lot of couples leave marriage prep with a binder, a certificate, a few conversations about communication, and absolutely no idea what to do when real married life begins.

That is not always because marriage prep is bad. Many priests, mentor couples, dioceses, and parish leaders are doing the best they can with limited time, limited resources, and couples who may be more focused on the wedding than the marriage.

But still, we need to say it:

A weekend or a few meetings cannot prepare a couple for everything.

It cannot fully prepare you for the first time you realize your spouse handles conflict completely differently than you do.

It cannot fully prepare you for NFP when cycles are irregular, postpartum is confusing, abstinence feels long, or one spouse feels rejected.

It cannot fully prepare you for sex when you have theology but not language.

It cannot fully prepare you for in-laws, money, mental load, infertility, surprise pregnancy, miscarriage, resentment, sleep deprivation, depression, loneliness, pornography wounds, family-of-origin patterns, or the ordinary shock of discovering that marriage is not just dating with rings and shared insurance.

We know this because we lived it.

We have written before that we wasted a lot of our dating and engagement years because we did not cultivate the boundaries, habits, and virtues necessary for a healthy marriage before saying our vows. We thought marriage would be a bigger and better engagement. Then real life came, and it was harder than expected. You can read more about that inWhy I Wrote a Book About St. Joseph.

That is why engaged couples need more than wedding preparation.

They need marriage formation.

They need to learn how to repair after conflict. They need to talk honestly about sex before the wedding night. They need to understand NFP as a shared discernment, not just the wife’s charting assignment. They need to discuss money, debt, spending, generosity, and fear. They need to talk about family expectations and boundaries. They need to ask what holiness will look like when they are tired, disappointed, or annoyed. They need older couples who tell the truth without crushing their hope.

The Church knows married couples need ongoing accompaniment.Amoris Laetitia emphasizes pastoral care for engaged and married couples, and the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life’sCatechumenal Pathways for Married Life points toward deeper, more sustained marriage formation.

That is the right direction.

Because Catholic couples do not only need to know what marriage is.

They need help becoming married.

So if you are engaged or newly married, here are conversations to have now:

How do we each respond when we feel hurt? What did conflict look like in our families growing up? How will we handle money? What are our expectations around sex? What scares us about NFP or children? How will we protect prayer without pretending we are monks? How will we make decisions when we disagree? Who will we ask for help when we get stuck?

If you are dating, engaged, or newly married, listen to5 Things to Focus On During Marriage Prep. You can also watch the YouTube version here:5 Things to Focus on During Marriage Prep, or read the Substack post5 Things to Focus On During Marriage Prep.

If you are wondering whether marrying young is a mistake, listen toIs Marrying Young A Bad Idea? The 5 Questions Every Young Couple Faces, or watchIs Marrying Young Too Soon?.

If compatibility worries you, listen toWe’re Not Compatible: We Took Jordan Peterson’s Personality Assessment.

If you are already married and realizing you were not prepared, do not despair.

You can still learn.

You can still build habits. You can still get help. You can still repair. You can still become the kind of couple you wish you had known how to become from the beginning.

Marriage prep may not have prepared you for everything.

But grace is not limited to the engagement season.

Start now.

Listen and read next

Preparing for a wedding is not the same as preparing for marriage. Listen to Two Become Family, subscribe to our Substack, and read Lovemaking.

Keep going

Two Become Family helps Catholics talk about marriage, sex, NFP, conflict, parenting, and family life without pretending it’s easy.

Monica and Renzo
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