Little Brother: Infertility, Grace, And Science

*First published in 2016. Edited in December 2020.

Desiring More

After relishing in being a family of 3, R and I began to discuss how we both believed K was meant to be a big brother.  Knowing that my fertility would likely be an issue again, we wanted to start exploring our options sooner rather than later in the event that it would take time to hopefully conceive a little brother or sister.

We brought our hopes to Dr. Nolte at the Gianna Center in NYC.  Under her guidance and care, I returned to my daily Metformin and monthly oral progesterone regimen as I began to use Baby Lead Weaning to slowly reduce the frequency of nursing K.  I also stocked up on DollarStore pregnancy tests, much to the embarrassment of the teenage clerk who had to count all twenty of them.  On K’s first birthday, I nursed him to sleep one last time, and R and I started to include fertility drugs into our attempts to grow our family.

The first cycle, we attempted Clomid with an ultrasound series to try to identify and monitor any promising follicles that grew as a result.  In addition, I began taking Musinex thrice daily, Vitamin B6 twice a day, and pre-natal vitamins during what would likely be my window of ovulation in hopes of increasing my cervical mucus.  Sadly, no eggs took, but gratefully, no cysts either. Progesterone regimen continued to bring on another period.

Femera (Letrozole) was our next medication (with all of the other mucus enhancers).  Again, daily ultrasounds were performed; two follicles grew…and seven days and three ultrasounds later, it ruptured!  I had ovulated (but, gr, with no outward signs of ovulation…no mucus, therefore likely no conception)!  Now it was time to wait the two weeks to test.  (The waiting game is one full of mixed emotions…hope for a positive and the sobering reminder that I should remain realistic)  18 days after ovulating, no pink plus sign came, but the red moment of truth arrived.

The emotional roller coaster of the last six months plus the hormonal roller coaster of the medications left me tired and weary.  Blood work and ultrasound appointments taking up nearly two weeks out of the month was exhausting.  I began to feel neglectful of the miracle baby that I did have because my mind was so fixated on the next.  R and I agreed that we would try one more cycle of fertility treatments and then take a break.  This time, I even added an antibiotic to my list of pills in hopes of further increase my chances of visible signs of fertility.

I See a Sign

One.  One wipe.  One observation of fertility.  That’s it.  Progress, but minimal.  We can hope.  We can pray.

As a glutton for punishment, I began the early morning ritual of peeing on a stick 8 days after that peak day.  White.  9 days.  White.  10 days, I was woken up at 4 by a fussy toddler, and fell back to sleep without checking the stick.  At the usual 7AM alarm…+!  But I am outside the ten minute testing window…try again.  Faintly, but surely, another +.  R had already left for work, so I rejoiced with my son, who was completely naive to the reason for our screaming in the kitchen.  He joined in nonetheless.

I suppose it was no coincidence that K invited Jesus to breakfast that morning.

A blood test later that day confirmed my at-home test: baby O 2.0 was expected to arrive in February 2016.  And, again, thanks to Dr. Nolte, her diligent care and progesterone supplements carried JP to term; he was born on 2/22!  Another NaPro technology miracle baby!