Why Husbands Need to Share the Mental Load

Maybe the holiday season is highlighting a particular need in your family: for spouses to share in the consideration of all of the family’s needs.

What is the mental load?

Commonly known as the “mental load”, women often carry a heavier burden when it comes to planning, remembering, juggling, and balancing the various needs and wants and schedules of all of the family members.

It is important to, first, recognize if this imbalance does exist within your relationship. Then, to learn to show appreciation for the special skill that wives seem to have in this area. And finally, attempt to learn to alleviate some of the heavy lifting by asking to help, noticing the needs of others, and initiating with action.

Maybe this scenario sounds familiar:

Sunday morning. Mass begins at 9:30, which means we have to leave the driveway by 9:10, which means we have to start putting on jackets and shoes and going to the bathroom at 8:55, which means that we need to begin getting dressed at 8:30 (that’s if you laid out clothes ahead of time), which means we need to get dirty kids showered at 8:10, which means they need to eat at 7:55, which means cooking needs to start at 7:40, which means you need to shower and iron and get dressed and do your hair and make up at 7:10, which means you need to feed the dog and let her out at 7:00 which means you should set your alarm for 6:45 to give yourself a few moments to drink your coffee and say your morning prayers.

Or maybe this one hits closer to home?

Someone is hollering that its time to start getting ready for Mass. You check your phone and you see that its 8:10. Why are we starting so early?! You’ve had your belly is full and you return to sipping your coffee. At 8:30 the hollering gets a little louder, so you figure its time to start getting yourself dressed - that’s what everyone else is doing, anyways. Lead by example, right? At 9:08 you join in on the hollering to shepherd kids to the car.

If you relate to the first character, you are more likely the wife. Second, you’re probably the husband.

The repeated Sunday morning hullabaloo can get old really quickly if you’re the one orchestrating most of it. But it might feel really comfy if you’re aloof to all that goes in to making it happen - until 9:05 when you start feeling the fire of the glares sent your way.

Insert any variation of this tale - packing for trips, planning the daily schedule of activities and rides and meals, Christmas shopping, or shifting clothes from seasons and sizes.

It's within these narratives that we can trace the invisible threads of devotion that hold families together. Resentment can fester when the scales seem unbalanced.

The concept of mental load manifests uniquely for each person, shaped by gender roles and expectations, and is often influenced by factors such as ADHD and processing style, which can affect how responsibilities are perceived and managed. I

In a marriage, the intricate dance of partnership, lies a multifaceted element of love and labor that often goes unseen. This is the mental load—a concept familiar to many yet rarely acknowledged in its full scope is the emotional and mental gymnastics performed in the pursuit of family harmony.'

Why does it matter?

This may sound controversial, but as we dive into the perspectives offered by figures like Jordan Peterson, we begin to see how societal expectations of gender roles influence the dynamics within our homes. It's not merely a matter of juggling chores and to-do lists; it's a reflection of how we prioritize the needs of our family and partner. This episode gives greater detail to the difference in mental load between genders, highlighting that for many women, the cognitive burden of managing daily life and family needs feels intrinsic to their identity and worth.

But the episode isn't just an exposition of the problem; it offers a path forward. We explore strategies for improving communication and understanding between spouses, emphasizing the importance of anticipatory awareness—a proactive approach to foreseeing and addressing each other's needs. This anticipatory awareness can be cultivated through intentional conversations, shared goals, and aligning expectations, which ultimately leads to a more balanced distribution of household responsibilities.

Moreover, the spiritual journey of marriage should not be overlooked. Our dialogue ventures into how sharing these burdens an image of Christ's love. It is crucial for spouses to be present to one another, sharing the mental load, and the beauty of complementarity within the relationship. In particular, its critical for husbands to actively participate in understanding and helping to carry their wives' concerns, rather than dismissing them.

Take a Listen

In conclusion, our episode serves as a heartfelt invitation for listeners to engage with our podcast community. By sharing your stories and discovering the comfort that comes from knowing you're not shouldering this load alone, we affirm that together, we can find balance and joy in the daily dance of partnership.

Whether you're a newlywed or have been married for decades, our session is an affirmation that love, when shared, can indeed lighten the mental and emotional load we carry. So join us as we redefine roles, balance love and labor, and harmonize our homes with the unseen work of love and family.