What all wives need to work on…

Let’s talk about the nuances of emotional intimacy in marriage and the power of vulnerability. This topic is crucial for any couple seeking true intimacy; its a necessary part of any healthy relationship.

I think all women would agree with this sentiment. And yet, they struggle to be a safe space for their husbands to practice this call.

The White Knight

The first thing wives need to understand, though, is the pressures often placed on husbands to be the 'rock' of the relationship. The emotional toll this expectation can have on husbands often encourages them to withhold their insecurities, concerns, and worries. They hold in stress, pack it down, and either grow numb to it or eventually burst. They often mask this stress in the form of anger or passivity.

Brene Brown shares an encounter with a male audience member noting that his wife and his daughter would rather have him die on his white horse than see him as less than a knight in shining armor.

Ladies, if we are honest with ourselves, we need to ask: “have we been (knowingly or unknowingly) projecting a standard of masculinity on our husbands that asks them to be invincible?”

Add to that, societal expectations may hinder men from expressing their emotions openly.

“Man up!”

“Big boys don’t cry.”

These quips can cause lasting damage, and those chinks in the armor can strain a marriage.

Guilt versus Shame

One key distinction that needs to be made for progress to be made is the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says “My behavior was bad”; shame declares “I am bad”.

When a man has been taught that emotions (aside from anger) are antithetical to masculinity, they are convinced that vulnerability makes him weak. There’s a a lot of lies that need to be undone before a husband can feel comfortable sharing openly with his beloved.

Tips for Wives

One way to start the process is to have a shared vocabulary - start naming the shame. Reorient it towards guilt, if applicable. Call the lie what it is and speak truth.

Avoid correcting his feelings. Don’t make it about you, and focus on him. If you want him to share his feelings, you can’t make him feel bad for feeling that way. Listen. Receive. Affirm.

Do not multitask when he’s being vulnerable. Put down the broom, pause making dinner, the laundry can wait. Give him your undivided attention.

Authentic Masculinity

Masculinity is not simply physical strength and emotional stoicism. It’s the ability to be virtuous. Virtue requires effort, it requires a challenge.

For one to be courageous, they must first be afraid. Chastity overcomes the temptation to use and chooses, rather, to love. Kindness is easy when the receiver is a friend; kindness is hard when the receiver is hard to like.

The knight is a man of blood and iron, a man familiar with the sight of smashed faces and the ragged stumps of lopped-off limbs; he is also a demure, almost a maidenlike, guest in hall, a gentle, modest, unobtrusive man. He is not a compromise or happy mean between ferocity and meekness; he is fierce to the nth and meek to the nth. - CS Lewis (The Necessity of Chivalry)

Let’s affirm our husbands in living the fullness of the human experience by inviting them to share with us all that it means to be a man. Compliment their strength and provision, applaud their efforts, and encourage their growth.

Listen to our full episode on this topic here.