Developing a Team Motto and Correcting Bad Behavior

Last week, we shared that our parenting style consists of strategies we implemented while coaching athletics. We discussed expectations versus rules and setting the bar high for our children. We also connected the concept of practicing in the area of human formation and socialization.

This week, we’d like to offer some more unique perspectives on the parenting style of Team Ortega.

Today’s strategies: How to be a teammate and how to correct our players.

What it Means to be a Teammate

On our team, we place great emphasis on being a teammate.

We all know the phrase, “there is no I in team”. In sports, being a teammate means showing up, putting in the hard work, and sacrificing for the good of the team with the goal of winning together.

On a team, players have roles to fill, and without them, the team would suffer. Teammates support one another in both success and, even more so, in times of trial. Teammates fraternally correct one another when someone is off their game. And teammates pick up the slack when another is injured or having an off day.

So it goes on Team Ortega. We are a unit made of individuals. Each one of us is unique and vitally important for the success of oneself and each other. Our jobs are to sacrifice for one another so that the other, and therefore the team, may do well.

Ex-NFL football player and motivational speaker, Joe Ehrmann, would frequently remind his team before games:

“What is the coach’s job?”

Team: “To love us.”

“What is your job?”

Team: “To love each other.”

Renzo adopted this motto while coaching basketball.

In our family, build on this motto and direct everyone to our best example of love: Christ on the cross.

To love your teammate means to lay down your life (lay down your wants and desires, spare time) for the good for your teammate. On Team Ortega, the coaches model this through their love for the players. And the players are expected to follow suit through their love for one another.

We put this into practice when we ask our older kids to serve their younger siblings. Rarely do they happily accept the task of helping their younger brother with putting on his shoes, helping him buckle, or getting him a snack. But they do understand that showing someone you love them sometimes means you serve them, even if you don’t want to.

My Correction Means I Love You

Often, especially now-a-days, we mistake correction for criticism or even condemnation. As a coach, there have been times where we have challenged our players to correct their behavior (hustle, pass the ball, engage in defense, etc.), and that charge has been internalized as a criticism of one’s character. We identify with both our successes and failures versus our efforts and our inherent worth.

In athletics, we’re given the opportunity to separate the action from the person. A strategy we’d found helpful was “the sandwich method”; praise, correct, complement.

Monica once coached a young woman who was tall, smart, athletic, and average speed. She was an excellent first baseman and a talented hitter. But she often struggled to hear critique.

In one game, she had a solid hard hit, but straight to the short stop. Immediately, she gave up running as fast as she could to first because she neglected to realize that her opponent had bobbled the ball. She hung her head as she jogged, and inevitably got an out.

Instead of focusing just on the mistake or the behavior that needed to be changed, we sandwiched the critique in between two affirmations: “Lucy! Amazing hit, but girl, you’ve got to finish the play until the umpire makes a call! You made such an effort to work the pitcher!” (Name changed in case this now young adult reads our blog 😉)

The same happens in our family. While teaching our children how to behave, we try focus on the action and not the person. Affirming what our kids did right instead of just focusing on what they did wrong can have a tremendous impact.

You Are Good, What You Did Isn’t

The truth of the matter is, if we let our players continue to play below their abilities, they’d never realize their full potential. Parenting is similar; if we fail to correct our children, we are not loving them well. However, how we correct is just as important as the fact that we correct a behavior.

With our children, trying to instill a growth mindset undoubtedly calls for correction. But reminding them of their dignity requires we do so with love.

Phrases like “you are a bad boy” or “you are being naughty” have no place in our home, because they equate a behavior with an identity. No matter what our children do, they are always good and worthy of unconditional love and belonging.

Instead of “you are a bad boy” we try to say things like, “I love you, but what you were doing was not safe.”

Instead of “you are being naughty” we try to say things like, “You’re making bad decisions right now.”

By doing this, we assure that we address the undesired behavior and continue to love the child and affirm their goodness.

Identifying with our shortcomings leads to shame; knowing that we have actions that we can improve leads to the understanding that I am capable of doing better because I am not my actions. These lessons are all building blocks that lead to a future understanding of righteous guilt and ultimately forgiveness. By modeling this as parents, we can imperfectly exemplify the mercy of our Heavenly Father.

The Long Game

Team Ortega’s stats will never be quantifiable. Honestly, we’re not even sure if these strategies will win us a championship of Heaven in the end, although we hope they do!

But what we do know is that these strategies have helped us work towards wholeness and holiness together as a team.

Become what you are - Renzo & Monica