How To Be A Great Dad According To St. John Paul the Great
“In revealing and in reliving on earth the very fatherhood of God, a man is called upon to ensure the harmonious and united development of all the members of the family.” -St. John Paul the Great
Fatherhood is an important vocation.
Our children’s first experience of God’s fatherly love is through dads. Within our families, that reflection is unique. Some of us dads will wrestle and some of us will play. Some of us will explore the outdoors and some of us will tinker with technology. Some of us are really into gardening and living off the land, and others are really into super heroes. The diversity of fatherhood matches the diversity of each family and its culture. Fathers come in all shapes and sizes, skills and interests, and each of us is being molded to be the father that our family needs.
However, there are still guiding principles in how to be the father God wants us to be. There are particular vices, especially in our times, that plague fathers and can prevent us from reflecting the Father as we ought.
In today’s post, we take a look at St. John Paul the Great’s guiding principles and what they mean for fatherhood in our modern time.
Take a moment to pause, read, reflect, and share this with a father who needs the affirmation and conviction to continue on the path that God has put him on.
JP2
JP2 has been a hero of mine since my conversion. His teachings on human sexuality through works like Love and Responsibility and Theology of the Body changed my life, and his encyclicals have been a constant source of spiritual growth and human maturity. He’s a heavier read because each paragraph requires reflection and contemplation in order to integrate his wisdom from head to heart.
His encyclical “Familiaris Consortio on the role of the Christian family in the modern world” is a perfect example.
In it, JP2 has a section subtitled “Men as Husbands and Fathers” where he offers thoughts on what it means for a man to live out his role as a husband and father in the modern world. In modern times, most men weren’t privy to good and holy example of fatherhood growing up. Even if we were one of the lucky ones that grew up with a good and supportive father, the complete understanding of what is required of fathers may still have been missed.
So St. John Paul tackles the issue head on and offers a primer for dads on fatherhood. Regardless of how long you’ve been a father, St. John Paul’s words provide a great litmus test for us to re-evaluate where we stand and points out the areas where we must grow.
1) Share the Load of Responsibility With Your Spouse
“He will perform this task by exercising generous responsibility for the life conceived under the heart of the mother, by a more solicitous commitment to education, a task he shares with his wife.”- Familiaris Consortio
There is a temptation for dads to let mom carry the weightier load when it comes to raising and disciplining children. I can attest to this personally. As a dad I tend to lean towards the more “fun” side of things, and enjoy being the last resort of the discipline hierarchy. I mean, in my mind, I work all day and I miss my kids. I don’t want their first impression of me when I get home to be of strict disciplinarian. I want them to like that fact I’m home, not dread it.
But I am their father, and not their friend. And discipline is good. I’m sure Monica doesn’t want to be see as a nag, and wants to be seen as fun too!
In order to make sure that the disciplining is balanced in a way so that your kids and your spouse are getting what they need, check in with your spouse to make sure she does not feel like she is bearing the entire load alone.
This goes beyond disciplining. This goes for chores, education, or new responsibilities.
You may feel like you are on the same page when it comes to the delegation of responsibilities, but it is always good to make sure. Don’t be afraid to propose a change if you see that your spouse is struggling during a particular season.
Maybe you take on bath time and bed time alone to give you wife some time to unwind, read, sip wine, and pray.
What you end up doing to share the load with your spouse is specific to your family - but you need to do it. The raising of the kids is just as much your responsibility as your bride’s. Fight the temptation to only be around when times are good and it’s time to play.
2) Children Over Work
“By work which is never a cause of division in the family, but promotes its unity and stability.” - Familiaris Consortio
Your work is necessary.
Money is necessary.
But your work should never be a cause of division in your home. Many husbands feel that it is on them to provide for their family. And they are correct.
As a father, it is on you to provide for your family. It is on you to provide them with a father. If your work is taking time away from your children, you must re-examine things. Yes, you must sacrifice in order to put food on the table, to get out of debt, and provide for your children to have a better life than you had. But we must not let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction.
Usually kids will tell us when things have swung too far. They will start showing new unfavorable habits and acting up in ways they haven’t before. They will start performing poorly in school or behaving in ways that seem foreign to their personalities. Or they might just come out and ask why you have to go to work again.
It’s absolutely important that children understand the need and goodness of work, but they should never be made to feel that work is more important than they are.
If you are unsure if you are overworking, and need to set better boundaries so that you can be more present to your kids, ask your spouse. Ask her to be honest. Because a mother knows the heart of their kids.
Let your children see the goodness of what you do to provide and let it promote unity and stability, and at the same time make sure that you are not providing money and financial stability in place of or more than you are providing them with the presence and security of a loving father.
3) Model Christ in Words and in Action
“By means of the witness he gives of an adult Christian life which effectively introduces the children into the living experience of Christ and the Church.” - Familiaris Consortio
I’ve heard it said that kids don’t listen, they watch. And our kids are absolutely watching us. Our sons will model us, and our daughters will measure up every man in their lives to us. That means we need to root out the vices that are holding us back from being the men our kids believe we are and deserve. The obvious starting point for all men is pornography and lust, but beyond those vices there is gluttony with food, video games, media, success…the list goes on. The spiritual life requires us to allow grace to root out the sin that lurks beneath the surface.
Our children are watching and observing how we face, or avoid, the struggles. Do we do the hard work of holiness and bring Christ into our struggles? Or are we packing things away and lashing out when we finally hit our boiling point?
Strive to leave your children with an image of their earthly father that makes them confident in the love of Jesus, because they experience that love in and through you. The model you provide your children will not be perfect, but it should be a model of how to pursue Christ. That means pursuing virtue in your actions, healing from the wounds that you still carry, and mercy for the times you fall short.
We will fail, we will fall, we will come up short. And in all of those moments, we must be an example of how a Christian fails, how a Christian runs to mercy, how a Christian relies on grace, and how a Christian grows in his conforming and becoming more and more like Christ.
As your children grow, they should also witness the growth and development of their father who is constantly seeking to be more and more like Christ. They should see your love of the Sacraments and your love for neighbor. As a father they will understand God the Father first through you. Keep that in mind and strive to leave them with a great starting point.
Let us all take Saint John Paul’s words of our fatherhood to heart, and aim to ensure the harmonious and united development of all the members of the family. And let our fatherhood be an anchor to our family. That they can look back at the father’s we were and see that as their first experience of the love of the Father!
Verso L’alto - Renzo
"Sometimes I would wake up during the night and find my father on his knees, just as I would always see him kneeling in the parish church. We never spoke about a vocation to the priesthood, but his example was in a way my first seminary, a kind of domestic seminary.” -St. John Paul the Great (speaking about his father’s example)