Raising Our Boys To Be Manly, But Not Toxic
In a culture muddled with mixed messages for young men, it is a pretty daunting task figuring out the ins and outs of raising one little boy. (We have to figure out how to raise four!)
All of us want so many good things for our boys. We want them to become great men who are people of virtue and character. Given what has come to light in the past few years we now know this includes raising our boys in a way that prevents them from repeating the sins of past generations.
This doesn’t mean that we throw out the past examples of raising boys. There are many good, virtuous examples of masculinity from previous generations that we can look to for guidance. However, we need to also acknowledge the failures of the past, highlighted by cultural movements such as #metoo. There have been a multitude of sins committed by men and one of the ways we address them is in how we raise our sons today.
This has led to a bit of an overcorrection in some arenas. Culturally, we are embracing a false dichotomy in masculinity believing that either our young boys will grow up to be “traditionally” manly (therefore hardwired for toxicity), or they will ditch all of the traditional constraints of masculine norms (typically perceived as feminization).
Now you might not agree with my characterization of either side of the issue, but I bring it up more to illustrate how utterly confused we’ve become in what we need to do to raise our boys well.
What if we want more for our boys than what the two sides are offering. What if we want our boys to be like Jesus and St. Joseph? What if we want our boys to be strong, noble, masculine men who possess the ability to empathize, express their emotions, and are unafraid of challenging the culture when it is being toxic?
What do we do then?
Not An Expert, Just A Parent
We are by no means experts in how to raise boys, but I know that we’re in the thick of it. We don’t have all the answers, and we don’t have a lot of time to figure it out. Our boys are growing now and they need us to parent them into becoming the men God wants them to be.
Because we’re pressed for time, we’ve developed our own set of expectation, rules, and guideposts to help us raise virtuous men (x4).
One of the primary guide posts for how we parent our boys is the reminder that our boys will be men one day.
You might classify that statement in the “duh”, but it’s easy to forget when you’re holding your newborn, changing his poopy diaper while ducking and dodging his well aimed pee stream, or soothing the tears of yet another scraped knee. When your kids are young, it’s easy to put off the hard stuff for later. But every day that passes they are one day closer to being men.
That is why it is so important for us to start with that truth: our boys will be men one day.
No matter how you raise them, they will be men. They will grow up, leave the house, and impose whatever they learned about masculinity under our roof into the world. It’s an intimidating thought, but it needs to be in our minds as we consider how we are forming the day to day.
Each of our daily interactions are a proverbial Lego block laying the foundation of the men they are becoming. Reminding ourselves of this will directly snuff the temptation to excuse a lot of behaviors because they’re young. Your infant turns into a seven-year-old with a blink of an eye. And we’re sure they go from seven to married in two blinks.
Before we know it our boys will be dating, getting married, and raising children of their own. It is never too early to start forming and molding our boys, because one day they will be men.
What kind of men do you want them to be?
This is how we answered that question:
Lesson 1: Become as physically strong as you are able
The potential for physical strength is a biological attribute that separates men and women. Men naturally produce more testosterone which aids in increased bone mass, increased muscle mass, and therefore increased strength (the average adult male produces around 10x the amount of testosterone compared to the average female). Men are biologically wired to be physically stronger.
As parents, we have decided to embrace that reality by teaching our boys that it is a responsibility to be as strong as they are able to be.
That does not mean we equate strength with masculinity. One of the dangers of holding physical strength up as a masculine ideal is that not all men can attain, or are built to attain, the same degree of strength. Many men who feel like they may fall short of an arbitrary ideal feel that this standard may be unfair…bear with us.
Are we telling my boys that if they aren’t super strong that they aren’t real men?
No.
We are telling them they they have a responsibility to become as strong as they can be.
Our boys came out of the womb different size, with different muscle density, with different types of muscles fibers tailored towards certain types of athletic feats. Regardless of their genetic make up, they need to train to use the strength God has given them. Because that strength is one of the tools they must use to serve others.
Putting it into practice
Our boys may not have been blessed with a father who is a physical specimen. They have been gifted with 5 foot 6 dad who’s built somewhere between “The Rock” and a hydroflask. They will never have a dad who looks physically superior to the other males in the room, but what they do have is a dad who is constantly striving to become as strong as he is able.
Most mornings our kids wake up to find their dad doing something to physically better himself. They know that he is trying to get stronger and healthier. Because it is through my body that I serve them as their father.
The boys have taken that example and have implemented their own strength goals. Frequently it’s our second boy, JP, with his little gangly arms telling everyone that, “We didn’t do our push ups yet!”
This little guy knows that he is not as big and strong as his older brother (he’s actually not as strong as his little sister at the moment), BUT that doesn’t matter. Yesterday he did 22 push ups and today his goal is to do 23. He’s learning to compete with himself, and become as strong as he is able. And as the boys build up their strength, we directly tie lesson 1 with the next lesson.
Lesson 2: Your strength is meant to serve others
The strength of men should be used at the service of others. If we build up our men to be strong physically, without giving them guidance on what their strength is for, we run the risk of raising mean who believe that might makes right. Part of teaching boys to be strong is reminding them that our strength can be misused to cause harm to others just as easily as it could be used to serve.
And it is our duty to serve.
Teaching young boys to respect the power they possess, and the proper use of that power is necessary if we are going to raise men built for others.
Putting it into practice
Our boys know that their “job” is to take care of each other. Our daughter actually has the same “job”, but that’s for another post.
Before he leaves for work, Renzo asks each kid “What is your job?”and individually they respond “To take care of each other.”
We have not had a full drawn out philosophical discussion with them about how their male strength needs to be used to serve others, but what we have told them is that they must take care of one another. In doing this we are laying the groundwork for how they will function as a part of society in the future.
As parents, we direct our younger children to reach out to their older siblings for help. This starts with reaching for toys or opening doors, but over time, it has evolved to wiping sticky hands, helping a toddler out of the crib, and assisting in wardrobe changing. And the older siblings are quick to spring into action and help. Now, even the younger fella pitches in to pick up garbage and wipe up spills.
We’ve believe it is important for boys to know that their ability to do what others can’t should be used to assist and teach those who can’t. We frequently have to remind the older pair that if there is something that they can do, their job is now to assist the younger pair and teach them how to do it too. We also emulate that succession for them. The things they can’t do, we help them do along side the other with the aim to teach them how to do it for themselves. Our abilities as parents are for service. Likewise, their abilities are for service as well.
This acceptance of roles didn’t happen overnight. It took years of small moments and hard headed commitment from us, to get the older boys to buy in. But now, the older boys are much more accepting of the responsibilities that come with being an older sibling. And are even excited for their new sibling and all of the ways they will be able to care for him.
Our hope is that our boys see their physical abilities through the lens of service to others. That way their physical strength will never be used as a means to impose their will on others, but instead as a tool that can aide those around them.
Lesson 3: Practice identifying and verbalizing your emotions
Manly physical strength is not developed at the expense of emotional intelligence; the ability to identify, verbalize, and empathize with emotions is a necessary strength for men as well. It is an unfortunate reality that men who are raised to be “manly” are also raised thinking that feeling and expressing emotions are the antithesis to manhood. As humans beings, we all have feelings and the capacity to emote. Men are not exempt from emotions (and women are not overloaded with them), but men are often taught, both implicitly and explicitly, that the expression of emotion makes them weak. (Unless, of course, they’re playing sports - then emotions are a good thing. Do we all see how backwards this is?!)
In our family, emotions are basic.
Appropriate identification and expression of those emotions is learned. While the sharing and empathizing of another’s emotions is modeled.
If we are aiming to raise boys built for others, it is imperative they are able to recognize and express their emotions, and empathize with those whom they love.
Putting it into practice
Like all infants turned toddlers turned young children, our sons have exhibited their fair share of emotions, usually expressed in the form of crying, screaming, whining, and belly aches (yes, belly aches)
The routine is typically as follows…
As they approach us in their blubbering state, we remind them that we want to hear what is wrong, but that they need to “use their words”. Usually this begins by them retelling the saga that just occurred, generally blaming someone else.
As the tale unfolds, we usually ask them to identify their feelings with a “how do you feel about that?”
“Sad" or “Mad” are the regular replies.
We practice active listening by retelling what we’ve heard by inserting emotion into the plot line and we may add feeling words such as “embarrassed”, “confused”, “jealous” or “frustrated” if appropriate. We ask them to correct us if we have misunderstood (which they often do).
We then more on and ask them to try to think of the scenario from the other person’s perspective.
We rarely come to a resolution that works for everyone, and more often then not, each party moves on because they’re kids and want to get back to playing. Usually it’s the fact that they feel heard and seen that brings the chaotic calm back to the house.
Now this takes A LOT of time and work. But it is so worth it. No parent, especially us, wants to play Dr. Phil one-third of the way into our first cup of coffee. But the investment plays tremendous dividends as your kids start struggling with emotions that are more difficult to identify.
Scared, nervous, shy, unsure, excited, are all things we feel as adults and have defaulted into calling it all as “anxious.” If we teach our boys to correctly sift through the muck of emotions, they’re better able to articulate and express their feeling and learn to solid coping skills in order to manage them.
points of emphasis:
1) This should not be a mom only job; dad has to do this too. If anything, it’s more important for dad to model and implement these lesson to his sons so they can emulate and imitate.
2) This is a very time consuming practice. Envision one of us trying to simultaneously sift through the emotions of a six and four year old while the three year old is using the entire roll of toilet paper to wipe and the two year old is feeding the dog a tooth brushes. That is what it looks like when we do this. This is NOT easy, and it takes patience to wait for positive results, but we are just now seeing how the early investment of time, energy, and patience is paying off. In the midst of the craziness we make time to sift through these seemingly silly, yet emotionally forming, situations.
Our hope is that with these emotionally aware tools, our sons can be successful communicators, strong advocates, and caring men.
Lesson 4: Understanding what “No” means
Affirmative consent and “no means no” are lessons that should not be reserved for prom night.
Learning and navigating boundaries is an ongoing lesson for all men, but a key and conclusive boundary that is easily taught young is what “no”, “stop”, and “I don’t like ___” mean. The buck stops there, the behavior must cease, back off. Dialogue for clearer understanding (see above) is a developed skill, but to halt at the first indicator of discomfort is crucial.
Putting it into practice
This is first taught through rough housing, wrestling, play fighting, or whatever you want to call it. When daddy wrestles with the kids there are unwritten rules: Don’t punch the face, we are not trying to actually hurt each other, and if someone says “stop” or “timeout” we all stop.
Besides the regular wrestlemania bouts, there are plenty of other opportunities to hear “no” in a house of 4 young kids. If it’s not a parent saying it to a child, its a sibling yelling it at another, or our favorite, a kid scowling it towards a parent.
Similar to how we teach our boys to communicate emotions, we model respecting the boundary of “no”.
The clearest cases, outside of roughhousing, is the desire to share (or take) a toy, or the sneaking of a second dessert.
At the first utterance of “no”, we all stop whatever is happening…if it requires physically picking a brother off of another mid jab, so be it. Then, together, we analyze the situation: what’s happening?, why might someone say “stop”?, and what other changes in action, aside from stopping, can we practice so that all parties involved can feel comfortable?
Sometimes, “no” and “stop” is the bottom line for safety. Other times, it can mean ease up a bit because I like the game, but you’re being too rough. Often, it’s more of a “wait your turn”. Regardless of the way to scene progresses, in order for it to be sorted out, we all need to maintain the initial boundary before injury, hurt feelings, or chaos ensue.
Men For Others
These methods are not full proof, and they may have their flaws. But as parents we’ve set the goal to raise boys who will be men built for others. As we continue to navigate young parenthood, we are starting to see the fruit of our labors manifest, particularly with our oldest two.
We pray that we can continue to build on these small lessons as they continue to grow and mature into teenage years. But we are tackling raising our boys one day at a time. Before we need to talk to them about bullying, dating, or any of the other challenges middle school and high school will bring, we will continue to lay the foundations.
Pax - Monica and Renzo