The Five Love Languages and Your Children
I was reminded recently of the power of speaking my children’s Love Languages.
Lately things have been extra hectic around here. As to be expected, the kids’ response to the added stress was behavior a few steps removed from their norm. JP in particular had been extra antsy, energetic, and even a bit reckless. He’s the comedian in the family, but when things are off, he ramps up his attempts at humor to the point that is wild and let’s just say…less than funny.
This evening I decided to keep things a bit more simple and make something easy for dinner: chicken tenders and tater tots. To my pleasure, two of the nuggets came out of the package stuck together in a heart-shape. Immediately, I knew exactly who would appreciate this little treasure as much as me: my John Paulie boy. He deeply appreciates anything tiny, sweet, and sentimental.
As I quietly served the plates, K began to chow down before the plate touched the table, G whistled with excitement over the surprise of an accompanying juice box, and yes, JP shrieked with delight...”Mommy, you gave me heart chicken!”
After several more compliments, reminders to keep eating, followed by even more sweet thanks for the treat, JP finally finished his special made-just-for-him heart dinner. As the kids cleared the table and we all prepared for a low-key evening with TV time, JP joyfully announced that “we should all watch LEGO Masters because it is K’s favorite.”
It was then that the deeper value of my gesture struck me. His joy went beyond a momentary happiness. Because JP’s love tank was full, because he was recognized and seen, he could then share love with others. The seven of us proceeded to enjoy a calm night on the couch casually predicting the next outcomes of the contest and marveling at the LEGO creations that were completed.
The Five Love Languages
As adults, we give and receive love best in one or maybe two of the Five Love Languages, studied and developed by Dr. Gary Chapman. They’re the way we express our love for others and how we best “hear” love being “spoken” to us. Chapman’s list of ways to show and see love is: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gift Giving, and Words of Affirmation.
We highly recommend that couples explore this theory by figuring out each others’ Love Language and making a list of 5-10 simple things you can do to communicate love through that language. It’s been a game changer in our marriage to have a quick guide to remind us how we can best express our true feelings to each other instead of it getting lost in miscommunication.
You can figure out which language is your dominant tongue here: Love Language Quiz.
The Five Love Languages & Children
Like couples, our kids are also fluent in a Love Language. It is our challenge as parents to learn each of our children’s Love Language so that the love that we feel for them is expressed and received articulately and clearly. When our children feel known, loved, and secure, their behaviors mirror their sense of belonging within the family.
Chapman recommends that if you are unsure of a child’s Love Language, to learn by offering ideas for your children to choose from. Based on the patterns of their requests, you can begin to decipher their native tongue.
Discovering Their Dialect
Physical Touch:
Children who tend towards Physical Touch appreciate snuggling, holding hands, rough housing, playing sports together, random hugs, and reaffirming pats on the back. Offer sitting on your lap while reading a book, a high five after an accomplishment or a helpful deed, or some time playing their favorite sport outside. Wrestle mania with daddy is a favorite of K’s; a few minutes of some rough housing is all it takes to help him feel recognized and loved.
Quality Time:
Kids who prefer Quality Time enjoy cooking, running errands, watching a show, or extended dinner conversations with you. Try carving out time to read together, going for a walk just with them, or even folding laundry together while discussing their day. G loves to come with me in the car to do a quick drop off or pick up and just talk from the back seat; like her momma, G loves to chit chat uninterrupted.
Acts of Service:
This group gravitates towards kind gestures, a helping hand, and being considered individually within the grand scheme of a complicated family plan. Demonstrate love through Acts of Service by cooking a favorite meal, doing their least favorite chore on a particularly busy day, or helping them with their homework. JP always calls me his “sweet mommy” when I bring him his jammies for nighttime instead of sending him up to his room to get changed; going out of my way even just a little brings a smile to his face.
Gift giving:
I promise this can be done on a budget! These kids often appreciate a special dessert, a treasured hand-me-down, or getting to pick out this year’s Christmas jammies. When you think of Gift givers/receivers, remember its more about the thought of the item or treat than the value that counts…their favorite snack packed in their lunchbox, sprinkle pancakes instead of plain, or a pack of silly socks just because. Or…heart chicken!
Words of Affirmation:
Children who speak the language of Words fill their tanks with “I love yous”, “I’m proud of you”, “you’re special”. Most important to this crew is being specific in your praise and admiration so that it is genuine and heartfelt. Giving K a compliment or commenting on him going out of his way to help his siblings always brightens his mood.
Learning a New Language
Listen…don’t overthink this. Any intentional act of love is felt, so don’t be afraid to just try out a few new things! The key is to do it on purpose. Take note of the response you get. Do they even notice your effort, or do they light up? Does their attitude and behavior change positively afterwards? If you start to notice a pattern, then you can begin to come up with ways to make sure you’re love for them is heard, especially when times get hectic or tense.
Now that we have a handle on our older kids’ native tongue, we try to our best speak each of their Love Languages at least one time everyday.
The important piece to remember is that demonstrating love for one another should never be secondary. Your love for one another shouldn’t just be assumed. Being overt about showing love for one another is crucial. I promise, it rubs off on the kids…they begin to increase their expression of love for their siblings by mirroring you. Further strengthening the family bond.
Fiat. - Monica