Can You Can’t Fake It til You Make It?
We recently read an article that summarized what some may perceive as the current culture’s perspective on divorce, the impact divorce has on children, and the antidote to the dilemma of divorce.
As millennials, we are part of a generation that feels the most passionately about divorce. Our generation supports the right to get divorced, but also dreads falling into a marriage that ends in one. Our generation wants to establish careers, cohabitate, and delay children in an effort to make sure everything is perfect, because we know the damage divorce has done to us as children.
That’s why this author’s points challenged us to pause and reflect on the ideas of the permanence of marriage and the humanness of spouses.
Try as you might
Marriage is an odd thing. Instead of a constant stream of happily-ever-after, it brings to the surface all of the mess that you had kinda-sorta been able to keep somewhat tidy. All of the frills and that you were able to keep hidden, and masked during the long-drawn out millennial dating process start to seep out of you when you merge your life with another.
Try as you might, like holding water in your bare hands, the messiness and imperfections of all that is you keeps permeating through. Sure, you can try to fake it for a while, pretend that the imperfections aren’t really that big of a deal.
But eventually, you learn that you’re selfish, prideful, controlling, yet passive, and generally hard to live with. And don’t you worry, though, you’re not the only one with problems. You also discover that your spouse is scatterbrained, hot-tempered, and what used to be endearing is now incredibly annoying.
You realize what you dreamed of is not what you live with.
Whether it be your style, your life goals, your desire for independence, or simply your dinner preferences - you’ve created a family and each person in it has their own set of expectations, standards, and wills.
And at some point, all of these traits, inclinations, and habits that you’d been able to manage come to a head because there is nowhere to hide them anymore. Now matter how much of yourself you prepared before the vows. Nothing can adequately prepare you or your spouse for what marriage will bring out.
You’ve given your life to another and in return, accepted theirs as your own.
Ok, so now what?
Admitting is the first step to recovery. You acknowledge that you both have some issues. The good-(ish?) news is that you can stop pretending. Now you have some options:
•ignore them and pretend they don’t exist
•blame and point fingers at “the other”
•dig your heals in because “your” issues aren’t as bad as “theirs”
•bail because this is too damn hard
•make the choice to work on them together
Some of those options can definitely sound more appealing than the others, but if you really want your marriage to succeed, you know that deep down there is really only one choice.
Saving Grace
Do you want know the other wild thing about marriage and family life?
It is a healing sacrament. The Grace of marriage is not only meant to sanctify you on the outside by making your life look complete: job - check, spouse - check, etc. Marriage heals you of all the mess on the inside by bringing your shortcomings to the surface for redemption.
Christ brings light to the darkness, and our spouse sheds light on the darkest parts of ourselves.
The holiness of marriage comes in the struggle of how you handle these vices of the collective “yours”.
It is good. And it is for our good. Marriage brings up wounds and sin and personality flaws, but pairs that with a lifelong partner to walk with you through the process in order to remind you of your worth.
Do the hard thing
When two become family, they’ve not only joined the lives of two unique individuals; those lives now fill in the gaps. Marriage redeems our weaknesses with the help and strength of our partner.
Feeling stubborn and don’t know how to start? Pray for humility - the virtue of seeing yourself as God sees you…broken, gifted, redeemed, loved. Then begin to practice seeing your spouse through that lens as well.
The deciding factor here is how we reframe these challenges presented through our marriage.
Don’t fake it anymore. Embrace the totality of what this Sacrament brings!
Become what you are - Renzo and Monica
Are you unsure where to start? Download our relationship check up and use it to jumpstart your conversations and start doing the hard thing! Click the image below!
