Use Your Words

Our first three kids were early talkers. I’m hoping Thomas follows suit, but he seems determined to get what he wants via cute grins and high pitched screams. 

 I don’t know what’s considered normal for language development, but whenever we took our kids in for their yearly (bi-yearly, quarterly?) wellness check ups the doctors always commented on the amount of words ours knew. Now, we can’t get them to stop talking long enough to eat dinner, but back then we were ecstatic with every new word that dribbled out of their mouths. 

Being able to communicate with our toddlers changed things. Gone were the days of trying to interpret the unintelligible grunts of the little cave boy (or girl). Instead we encouraged each one of them to use the new word, instead of screeching or crying. It wasn’t easy. Most times it was a battle of the wills convincing them that actually saying “water, please” was better than screaming and throwing pasta sauce on our eggshell white walls. 

I imagine it was life changing for the kids too. I would hate it if those around me had to constantly play “guess what-this-noise-means” whenever I needed something. I mean, we use words everyday and most of the time we still feel like no one gets us. 

I think a lot of the arguments and disagreements in our lives come from not having the right words to express what we need or feel.

I also think a lot of the staleness and stagnation of our spiritual lives comes from not understanding the parts of our hearts that are closed off to God’s grace and redemption. Words have the power to shed some light into parts of our lives that might be completely unknown to us. But they aren’t unknown to God, in as light begins to be shone, He continues His saving work.

Two New Words

So I learned two new words. No, I don’t mean social distancing, two other words.

Now, these other two words have drastically changed the way I understand the emotional jambalaya going on in my head and my stomach. Just like when the kids learned new words, these new words opened up a whole new dimension of communication with God. 

Vulnerability

According to author, researcher, and story-teller Dr. Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” And for me, vulnerability is something I don’t like. Before encountering Brown’s work, uncertainty was unnerving, risk was reckless, and emotional exposure was weakness. My pessimism would rationalize that I was too “realistic” to be vulnerable.

There’s a reason I had two other blogs that I didn’t follow through with, constant career changes, and ministry aspirations that may never come to fruition. I don’t like risk and uncertainty, and I don’t like being put in a position of exposure. I like being calculated, rational, and in control. But love requires that I step beyond my self-protection.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies, and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable […] The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell.” (C.S Lewis, The Four Loves)

Love is not calculated, rational, or under control. Love requires vulnerability. If I am going to love Monica, I risk that she may not reciprocate (for some reason she does though). And if I’m going to love and follow Jesus, I risk being sent into situations that leave me completely exposed and vulnerable. Cue my struggle. 

The more I learned about vulnerability, the more God showed me that there were still parts of my heart that were completely closed off to Him.

This new word brought me face to face with my hypocrisy. As profound as my devotion and fidelity to God might seem, there are still limits to how far I am willing to go, and how much I am willing to risk. If my guard is always up, and if my steps are always calculated, no one can hurt me. But if my guard is always up, and if my steps are always calculated, I can’t follow Jesus to the places that only faith can take me.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Cor 5:7)

If I am going to follow Jesus, I need to be more willing to take the risks that love requires.

Shame

Dr. Brené Brown (I love her work if you didn’t’ notice) defines shame as “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (Daring Greatly, p. 69)

Shame is different than guilt. When you make a mistake, guilt says that what you did was bad, but shame says that you are bad. 

It’s important to note that it’s difficult to be vulnerable if your self-talk (your internal monologue) is negative and causes you to experience shame. If you think that you are bad, you won’t be willing to take the risks that love demands. You will talk yourself out of it, because of a perceived flaw or lack.

And if you think that there is something wrong with you at the core of your very being, you will always feel unworthy of the mission that love is sending you on. So you’ll never move.

I have probably experienced this type of shame my entire life, but never would have called it that. Whenever I had moments of where I felt like I was a failure, screw up, or felt like I wasn’t good enough to take a risk (like writing a blog), I always felt as thought I had completely logical reasons for beating myself up.

“You’re not educated enough, you’re not smart enough, no one will read it, you’re wasting your time.” Are all part of the negative self-talk. And then even after I write and post: “Who do you think you are? Are you trying to be Catholic-famous? That’s not very humble of you.” Yes, it’s exhausting being in my own head.

Before I learned this new word, I didn’t realize that what I was experiencing was shame.  At the core of all that negative self-talk was a belief that I was unworthy of love and belonging, and that I need to do achieve and be great in order to be worthy.

And after I learned this new word, Jesus was able to directly confront this belief I didn’t know I was carrying around.

Work In Progress

This blog is actually a prime example of God leading me somewhere kicking and screaming, because I am afraid of being vulnerable and because of my own struggle with shame. 

Holy Week pits my faith directly against my shame and fear of vulnerability. Holy Week is the epitome of God’s unconditional love put on display. Christ’s embracing of the cross speaks life into all the times I have ever put my self-worth into anything other than His love for me. My accomplishments, failures, accolades, or shortcomings, can never bear the weight of the cross. And in my moments of shame, when my self-talk attacks my worthiness, the cross stands in protest reminding me that, “God proves his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

Nothing, but the love of God, determines my worth.

I know I’m not the only one who struggles in these areas. I believe their are many devoted followers of Jesus who are like me, and are completely willing to follow Jesus in our comfort zone. But as soon as He asked for the vulnerability required by faith, we freeze. 

By adding these two words, and realities, into our spiritual vocabulary, we can open up are hearts to Jesus, and allow grace to take hold of what sin wants to conceal. I pray these two new words help you in your walk with Christ, like they helped me.

May we all pray for the willingness to confront our shame, embrace vulnerability, and allow Jesus to do the heavy lifting within our hearts this Holy Week. 

Verso L’alto - Renzo